through my 30 ringgit specs

passion

2010-05-16T20:36:00.000+08:00

My driving force in life is passion. It keeps me sane and centered. Some peoples driving force is commitment, some is honesty.....I think all that....even passion...stems from love. Every driving force stems from love. Love of the nation, for self, for people, for God, for the community...for the family.......

Lets LOVE and freely LOVE.

This made me laugh today

2010-04-18T23:57:00.000+08:00

Porn for the blind in braille.intrigued and find it hilarious as the same time.just fingers and an active imagination will help.

Good laughter and dirty humor to put a smile on my face.

Laugh.
Life is more colorful with laughter.

Another year older doing the running man dance moves

2010-04-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

Last month was that time of the year. Where my fb is flooded with notifications. Its that occasion one time a year where my friends near and far, from long long ago to just a few weeks before....say happy birthday.

To treat myself I went out and bought 2 books. My treat to myself every year is always books.

..this year so far hasn't been a reading year. I've 'collected' so many books but they just end up being more of an ego booster for myself. Kinda like a symbol of how smart I am just by having it or I feel smarter just by buying it.

So no more books this year till I read the backlog of books that I have.

Picture taken with my new favorite toy. Fish eye lens attachment

I do want to share my excitement with my latest addition of stuff which i indulged in. Moleskine passions - Book Journal. Uber excited to start writing in it.

So to celebrate 29 years this year is dedicated towards me, the betterment of me and expanding my mind body and soul.

I'm very happy and proud to say I gots me a Jay - Ohh - Beee. JOB. And i'm loving it. Doing the running man celebratory dance.

Litter Bugs never prosper

2010-03-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

I went to a local mall (the Curve) with my nephew Armand and took the elevators up to the third floor. A man in his 20's was standing there and from the corner of my eye I could see that he dropped something. I politely pointed the the piece of paper and said , ' Excuse me you dropped something'. He didn't even look down, he said, ' I know, I already reloaded my credit'. (Prepay credit for your mobile network can be bought in a form of a card and on it you just dial the number and key in the codes written on the card).

So this guy, doesn't need his prepaid card and just drops the trash on the floor.

Totally in disbelief of what an ass he has made hiself to be a proud litter bug...i walked over towards him, picked up the piece of paper and gave it to Armand and in a loud clear voice.

Armand what do we do with rubbish? We throw it in the garbage. He took the piece of paper.

I told him what a good boy he was and that we always throw rubbing in the garbage. I continued to tell Armand that The Curve has trash cans everywhere and we can throw it once we reach our floor. The guy exited on the same floor. And in front of him Armand gladly threw the piece of paper in the trash can located at the elevator area.

The shmuck just kept on walking with no shame.

I think he might've felt a tad bit small when a kid gladly threw a way his rubbish. Moral of the story...before one willingly or unwilingly wants to look like an a** infront of younger kids...think twice, just throw away the trash.

My life's' philosophy - 3 L's and an E and a C (after E)

2010-01-24T11:07:00.000+08:00

Cause that's the core of everything positive. Love work, self, God, Family, friends, health and everything else in between.

If not now then when?

Life is too short to be all serious and imaged out! When I can't laugh at myself....i know i gotta check myself

Cause food unites people and its great for my soul IT is my life's mission to appreciate great food ;)

I color my soul and everything else that i'm attached to, with color. It makes life vibrant interesting and everything has to have that pizzaz with color. Pink and turquoise and red are my pick me up colors :)

As strong as your weakest link?

2010-01-08T23:09:00.003+08:00

I have met many types of people from all over the world. I have experienced a whole spectrum of personalities.

And when the going gets tough people reach their breaking point and the not so "pretty side" of them comes out.

"They" (who ever 'they' maybe) say that the true colors of someone comes out when they show the ugly side of them. This is true. You can see someone's true colors, when you see how they respond to pressure, challenges and hardships.

However this point of view I believe is just 1/2 of it. What about the true colors of a person when they are in contribution, when they are kind and loving. That also shows the true colors of a person.

Though I have my 'bitching' sessions about certain few....complaining about their not so colorful true colors...they to have their moments where they really come out looking like a hero.

You know the saying 'you are as strong as your weakest link' that may be true....however i like to see it from a 'glass 1/2 full' point of view. 'You are as strong as your strongest link and weak as your weakest link'.

The duality of life is in everything.

Today....see everything from the duality of life. If you see hate....take a look at peace. If you see peace don't be complacent...remind yourself of war so that you work on peace to ensure it lasts forever.

**This entry has been saved as a draft for weeks. Today after all the 'crap' going on in Kuala Lumpur, with the unfortunate incidences of ignorant backlash by vandalizing churches I thought to finally publish this post**

A lot of negativity, passionate FB status messages, people joining FB groups to support and not support this issue......let us all start with ourselves and make a change. Channel that passion, that anger into useful positive action that takes our nation 10 steps forward again.

Malaysia..let utilize our strengths as a multiracial society....by creating positive changes with one intention....give love. This isn't the pretty side of Malaysia....lets use our strengths to have peace amongst EVERYONE.

A Decade, 1999 - 2009

2009-12-28T09:46:00.008+08:00

Its been ten years since I've moved back home to Kuala Lumpur.

Its been surreal. A total blur at times. COnsidering before that I have never stayed at one place longer than 2.5 years.

Graduated from high school in Lima, Peru and came 'back' in 1999. 10 years....*takes a deep breath*

When i was 18, my story was...I spent my whole life overseas

Now i'm 28, my story is...i've been back for 10 years....

And when I'm 36.....I've spent 1/2 or my life overseas.

And God willing when i'm 54...i've spent most of my life in KL (assuming i don't move again)

The whole age thing has really gotten to me. I had to force myself to sit down and honestly ask why...and i realized. I feel i have not accomplished anything that I am proud of. I have been involved with amazing projects, but i feel inadequate at times when it comes to my accomplishment.

Someone close to me said, i feel this way cause i keep comparing my carrer with other people my age ...and they are way up there. He posed a different perspective.

I may not have the office or the PA or the huge salary...but I have passion for family, for my creativity. **I let this digest for a few days** My response

He has a point.....but...... or

He has a point.

I have accomplished and experienced so much however i know there is alot more in me. Im like the mercedes benz driving around in singapore....it can go super fast....but the merc can only explore 1/3 of its speed potential cause there is a speed limit. So its such a waste....its not allowed to fully go at high speed which is what the car is more than capable of doing.

(at this point some of you are reacting huh...? You comparing your self to a mercedes.?!?! )

I don't know if my analogy is good or not...I need a space where i can vroom vrooom vroommmmmmm and ride off at high speeds. Like P.Coelho said...

“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks.

Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned;

perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow.

But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart”

Here is to a decade!! Celebrate, learn, move on. New moment.

K.L.,......K.L.....10 years....at times you have been great to me...at times you are just an ass. Regardless of the stress you have given me....I still love you (as long as you feed me great food...and you just tone it down with your traffic jams and road rage)

I started this blog...with the pure intention to write and share. I have gotten feedback which has motivated me to keep on writing. Which has led to 3 blogs and 2 twitter account and God knows how many email accounts..(Gotta love the internet!!!) I fell in love with writing/sharing/rambling/etcetcetc...Feel free to leave a comment or drop me an email :D

Happy Holidays & Happy new year....much love, adventure and a whole lot of great food

Welcome 2010...what will i make of you?!

Beauty...

2009-12-23T22:14:00.002+08:00

From my previous blog entry, F an anonymous guest left a comment and asked me on my take on beauty.

"What's your take on beauty runs skin deep? I have encountered more often than not that beauty is essential even when u are looking for job. Do you think appearances and looks go a long way in life?"

Hmmm....

Well i can only talk about what I have experienced.

If I had a pretty face (pan asian chinese seem to sell well here, or if you have caucasian features) ....yeah I would milk it as much as it can......sell it till it can't be sold no more. Use it to my advantage....

However that's not me.....Beauty to me is more than what I see. I remember in high school there was this good looking guy....but his personality was ugly as butt....he was aloof, self centered and a bit too up himself...... his personality made him ugly.

I have met people which would be considered pleasent to look at but are just so amazingly beautiful......he had this presence about him...so much charisma..that he could read the dictionary and i would think it was charming!

I've been in the presence of beautiful (they just looked good)...but have the most blah, personality. total ZZZZZZzzzzzz

I don't think beauty is essential say if i were looking for a job (unless i was looking for a job to be on tv or to be an air stewardess).

If beauty get someone far in life...then good for them, if companies are biased and judge potential employees based on looks........boo to them. Yeah, it does happen...but bitching about them can only get me so far. Looks can get you far in life....if used to manipulate to get what you want...do I agree with this.....not at all..but it does happen.

I am a firm believer, presence, charisma, brains is beauty.. and can get you ahead further in life.

So anonymous F.....these are my views......

Think outside of the box, use your right brain...and feel free to ask questions

2009-12-18T00:12:00.006+08:00

Today, during a talk/discussion/ Q&A session there was a guest speaker....Fahmi, he said something which really hit a nerve (in which in my mind i reacted 'Damn straight, hallelujah', but in real life i just smiled and nodded)..

He said something whithin their context...Encourage intellectual freedom in schools.

This statement made me think of my experiences...

I grew up with the privilege of going to private international schools my whole life. Hence the reason why my mother tongue is English and my malay makes me sound like a minah rempit. ( though i take pride that i can speak bahaso nogori)

I'm not saying public school here in Malaysia sucks....the over all attitude and teachings are so left brained so mechanical.

I graduated from a private high school (american system)..and the one thing i remember learning was to think to analyze to dissect and to think outside the box....to come up with my own theories...i remember my thesis when we were reading Othello...my argument that the downfall of Othello was a character flaw and not because of destiny....and i was one of those that preferred theatre and art classes.....so art class was always do what you want..i did art critiques, went to galleries analyzed art, artists, art movements....what a joy!

I can back to Malaysia......got myself into a Local private university....I felt so intellectually stunted. Now i'm not preaching that the education system here sucks....but everything stems from the attitude which is clearly reflected in the education system.

I feed you with information and i control that information. You regurgitate it in you exam. Get good results, and off you go into the world where there is a right answer....give the right answer and you will go far....that is how i see the education system is here

..I remember a lecturer saying to me.. "You students like to do your own thing...I don't get you....you come for consultaion, do what we say and you will pass...."

In my mind i was thinking, "&^%$#$$%#%, then why don't you do the assignment and pass it up and put my name". Working within a set of rules and using our creativity is fine by me...that is were the challenge is- the thinking outside of the box...but this case was..do it like this and you will pass. Do it like that / think for yourself...and you will fail.

It was so grilled into the students heads that you have to consult your work...do it the 'right' way get the green light...then go complete your assignment......

it was so automatic that in painting class my lecturer was perplexed....'Why are you all consulting with me what to paint, there is no right or wrong, just paint what you want, consultation with me is to ask questions like what material do you recommend i use or do you think my composition is good"....It seems the students were so scared to paint what they want...it was such a foreign concept.. I was so entertained by the faces of the dominant left brained classmates......i could see it in their faces and it clearly had the look 'what-do-you-mean-we-can-paint-what-we-want?'

It has stunted my intellectual growth .there was no encouragement to think to talk to be loud say something and be vocal....so i was always called on so say something by my lecturers when they would ask a question and all the students just sat there........in my mind i was thinking 'when no one answers your question call on me to say something give an opinion', but when i have an opinion you hate it' pffftttt to lecturers that had no passion to teach and share knowledge......

..cause i was the one that always had something to say - which made me uber popular - NOT! If anything my out spoken-ness has earned me the label of the one with the mat salleh accent, melor yang takder hidayah (very original compared to melor the telor.....funny yet so mean), that never puas hati about anything.

Looking back...yeah there was something I tak puas hati, so I did something about it, which almost always was 'who do i see to talk about this'. It was too against the grain for alot of people. And I was not afriad to voice my opinion...my opinion at times gave a different perspective - however it wasn't seen that way by a few lecturers and some of my classmates.

We should all be encouraged to speak, to think, and most importantly encourage the freedom to ask questions! Do our local schools encourage this?

Now in no way i am saying that private schools are better...cause i've seen my fair share of private schools in kl which are equivalent to public schools except you just pay more. And i've seen public schools which produce great thinkers....its the overall attitude which gets me so irked. There were quite a few bad apple type lecturers as menioned above...but there were quite a few great apples in the bunch...kudos to those lecturers.

If I had the financial back and freedom to choose, after graduating from my high school in Lima, Peru, I would've gone to art school - and majored in art history (my 2 loves....art and analyzing!) i wouldn't have come back....

**rereading me entry**

I sound so preachy......*thinks to publish or not to publish*......

I'm passionate about this issue and i shall share it......

Responding to Gut Feelings - article written by Ron Eastwood

2009-12-08T14:01:00.006+08:00

Wanted to share this article with you.

RESPONDING TO GUT FEELINGS

written by RON EASTWOOD,

submitted to finerminds.com

I am 68 years of age. A number of years ago I was sort of adicted to personal growth seminars. I give credit to each and every one of the dozen or so that I attended for adding immensely to the richness of my life. However, there is one experience that in my mind outshines fire walking, deep breathing, meditation, sweat lodge and all the rest. I have only shared it with a hand full of my closest friends. I think it may hold meaning for this readership.

The particular seminar was like many others. Two or three hundred people meeting in a large double wide hotel conference room, the kind with an accordion type separator which may be opened to make two large rooms into one even larger room. As typical of this kind of seminar it was hosted by one well known motivational speaker whom in turn invited several other presenters each with a specialty. I do not have permission to use names so out of respect for those whom I discuss we shall leave them nameless.

It was Sunday afternoon/evening the final day of a three-day seminar. Our speaker had just returned from a tour of Africa I believe. It was a long presentation which nearly put me to sleep. I only remember one major theme. That was the wisdom that we often fail to see and experience miraculous events because we go through life with blinders. The speaker stressed that one needs only to stay fully aware of every chance encounter. And to ALWAYS trust that often fleeting sense that something unique has or is taking place moment to moment. Trust your intuitions.

Our host came to the microphone and dismissed us all for one hour for dinner break. He said be in your seats by 7:00 P.M. sharp. Our final speaker will be worth the entire cost of the seminar all by herself. Do not miss a minute.

The Moment My Heart Skipped A Beat

With that I sprinted out the door and ran up to the next corner where there was a Denny's restaurant. It was crowded and it took fifteen minutes for me to place my order. As I waited anxiously I reflected on the previous speaker. I had noted that in my own life there has been an amazing sychronicity between little things I have done and subsequent incredible events flowing from them. For example I was hitch hiking from California to Florida to visit my parents. I was in downtown Atlanta, Georgia. A young boy came running toward me on the sidewalk with both of his tennis shoe laces completely untied. Almost instinctively as a former paramedic and First Aid Instructor I bent over and caught him in one of my outstretched arms to slow him down.

I asked him if he would let me tie his shoe strings so he would not trip on them and fall. He was about six or seven. He let me tie them and as I was standing up from my kneeling position I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard the deep voice of a very large black man saying, "Hey Boy, where you from?" My heart did a flip flop. Here I was in strange surroundings, not another white person in sight and this booming voice from a towering man holding me down with his massive hand. "California," I said hesitatingly.

The Lead-Up To Martin Luther King's Family

He released his grip and as I straightened up into a standing position I was aware of a broad grin coming across his face. He extended his hand for a hand shake as he said, "I knowed ya wasn't from these parts. No self respecting white man in the south would stoop to tie a little Nigger boy's shoe strings." With that I relaxed. He asked me what I do in California. I told him I was a taxi driver. He asked me if I could read a street map. To which I said, "Certainly." He said, "If I give you these car keys would you be able and willing to drive that big black hearse full of sacks of mail over to Dr. King's home and give them to his wife?" [Martin Luther King, Jr. had just been killed three days earlier in Memphis while assisting the local garabage collectors in a strike.] That led to me meeting Coretta Scott King and the three children. I ended up working as a volunteer as the family chauffeur all the rest of that summer.

I was now leaving Denny's and the time was 6:50 p.m. Just enough time to get back to the seminar for the final speaker. I rushed into the parking lot nearly bumbing an elderly woman who was leaning against the side of a big black Cadillac. I just caught a glimpse of her face. She seemed to have tears in her eyes. I continued on to the hole in the chain link fence which would allow me to shave a couple minutes off the time it would take to go clear to the corner. I started through the fence. I had one of those flash feelings. The right thing to do would be to return and see if the woman needed assistance. I remembered the words from the afternoon seminar. Was this one of those moments which may have some significance? Could I close my eyes and mind and get back to the important speaker? It was a no brainer. I did as I usually do in such cases. I returned and spoke to the crying woman.

A Chance Encounter Between Life And Death

We spent perhaps fifteen minutes. She had just taken her three adult children to dinner at Denny's to discuss the terms of her will. It turned into a greedy argument and nasty scene. She had left the three inside arguing. She told me she was going to go home and change her will and then take her gun and kill herself. I gave her a big hug. We held each other a long moment. I felt her relax after a short time. I stepped back and asked her to promise me she would keep in touch and "Please don't kill yourself." We talked some more and she told me she had spent her life as an educator and motivational speaker, but couldn't get through to her own children. I suddenly remember that I was missing the seminar. I crawled through the fence and ran all the way back to the hotel.

Outside the conference room I could hear the speaker. I waited for an applause and tried to quietly open the door during the audience reaction to her presentation. The lights were out with only the spot lights on the podium. I stood quietly in the dark waiting for another audience response to seek a seat. She started to speak and stopped in mid sentence.

Everything Is Connected

"Someone has just entered the room. I have a very strong intuitive feeling we need to know who this is." The moderator stepped to the microphone and asked me to identify myself. "Ron Eastwood," I said, feeling embarassed.

There was great laughter because it seems throughout the conference I had been one of those who jumped up first to volunteer every time volunteers were asked for. I was the one who removed an iron spike from an 8" x 8" timber with my bare hands completely ruining one of his demonstrations (see below)*. Jokingly he said, "We should have known it would be you. Find a seat please."

The speaker said, "No. I want Mr. Eastwood to come up here." I went forward. The moderator stepped aside and said, "Here, you may have my seat." Another round of laughter. I was really feeling humiliated. She did not let me sit down. She said, "Ron you must tell us why you are late. I have a tremendously strong intuitive feeling that this will be important." I briefly told what had delayed me. I mentioned the name of the woman whom I had stopped to comfort. When I finished the speaker was visibly shaken.

More Than Just A Gut Feeling

"Ladies and gentlemen I now know why I had such strong energies when Ron entered the room. My very first mentor after I finished graduate school was (the name of the woman in the Denny's parking lot). I have not seen her in years."

The silence was immense. With the bright spot lights in my eyes I could not see faces, but I sense there was not a dry eye in the house. The wisdom I gained that evening has only increased every time I consciously respond to gut feelings that I should take note or be involved in situations or lives often of perfect strangers.

- Ron Eastwood

* The demonstration was to show that often we use only the same old methods because we are unwilling or unable to think outside the box. Volunteers were given a claw hammer and asked to remove the spike. Several tried. Some bent the nail a little, some jerked on it, some even got a block of wood to place under the head of the hammer for better leverage. None were successful. I took the entire block with nail and all and raised it over my head. I brought it down as hard as I could catching the head of the spike against the metal trim on the stage. The spike flew out. It dented the stage. It was not what he had planned, but he said, "Folks, you can always depend on our Ron to think outside the box." Laughter abounded. The momentum of the heavy block moving at such speed gave hundreds of foot pounds of energy to the head of the nail. Mere leverage with a claw hammer could never have achieved such a power ratio.

Adventures alone

2009-11-30T23:19:00.004+08:00

I've been avoiding to write again.

Was telling my friend, that I liked doing things alone. Like eating alone, shopping alone, errands alone. Sometimes when I'm feeling blue I'll head on over to my favorite chicken rice shop and eat.....alone....or go to a mall alone to shop. He encourage me to write about it.

I need my time alone. It doesn't scare me. In fact I love it cause it is when I am alone when my internal voices are loud! It gives me time to think of the things that are bugging me, the things that I am avoiding I face it during this alone time.

A scary thought. I do know quite a number of people that hate being alone...cause they don't want to answer those questions or thoughts at the back of their mind. And if they are alone they fear to face what they have been avoiding. Hence the reason why they always have to be around people or be doing something with someone......sorta like a headless chicken running around with the illusion 'i got my shit together'.

My alone time is my mental time to get my shit in order.

Alone time can be liberating. A few years back, I went to the Kanye West concert alone. Crazy stupid pathetic......whatever say I. I went and actually found it liberating cause when i wanted to scream like a maniac I did, when i wanted to dance I did...yeah i saw friends there and chatted for a while....but i liked that i went alone. It was fun....and i wanted to push myself - testing myself if i can let go of that sense of security to go with someone so i wouldn't look stupid.

My next alone adventure......traveling alone on a vacation. To a beach....that will truly be intense, fun and alot of 'internal talking' with a dash of picture taking. My way of meditation and time to think, reflect and be free spirited.

www.freedigitalphotos.net

Do you like being alone?

What are your 'alone time' activities.....

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

2009-08-30T23:34:00.005+08:00

I am far from political when it comes to my blog. But todays entry...I am going to go there. I am going to be political but not in an ugly, angry way.

There has been a video, text messages and alot of ranting on twitter and FB status...about how shitty malaysia is, how there is so much injustices etc etc etc. Those people protesting against the government will be wearing black on our 52nd year of independence.

Its sad.

If I want a change, then it is up to me.

Bitching takes alot of energy....and its much easier than assessing the situation and taking responsibility. If I am not happy with my nation then it is up to me to create a nation which i want to like it. I may be 1 person in this country. But if i have the ability to bitch and enroll people to join me....then I can definitely shift that energy into something POSITIVE AND PURPOSEFULLY PRODUCTIVE. Enroll people into doing something for the community. Start small and let the positive actions grow.

I believe wearing black is a cop out. Don't like this...don't like that...hate this..hate that. If you don't like it...then do something PRODUCTIVE.

I am against police brutality when under police custody.

I am against abuse of power.

I am against cover ups.

I am against controlled media.

I choose to not wear black and I don't want to teach my children to "wear black". I believe there are other ways to be heard and taken seriously.

My family and I have been affected by terroism (being held hostage), by war were we lost our home and sentimental belongings.....I have travelled the world where health care is to expensive, where the indigenous people are treated like crap, where cost of living is so high that living in the ghetto was normal and accepted, where inflation was sky high and carrying guns and shootings was not a big deal. Where the governments beyond belief. Compared to Malaysia...Malaysia is a luxury. Look at now...and move forward....not take 10 steps back.

Yeah there are quite a few things in this country which I don't agree with however .....its my attitude. This merdeka....I can give malaysia a middle finger. Malaysia isn't the government. Malaysia is about the people, the attitude, the environment.

Yeah a few bad apples can ruin the whole bunch. In my eyes....I have a choice of my attitude about merdeka. Cause there are plenty of good apples in the bunch.

Like Ghandi said, Be the change you want to see.

This merdeka i will not be wearing black, because I have faith in Malaysia and her people.

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku,

Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju,

Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,

My country, the land where my blood is shed,

The people live united and progressive,

Blessings of happiness, may God grant

Courage

2009-08-28T18:27:00.003+08:00

I have a deck of Journey Cards. And when I am totally overwhealmed or feeling stressed. I shuffle the deck of cards, calm myself and focus. I select 3 cards. (There is no 'right' way to select the cards..i just close my eyes and go with my gut and pick 3)

Its funny how the universe talks to me. There are always 3 or 4 cards that are always selected.

But then out of the blur today I got a card which got me thinking. ...I share an excerpt from the courage card.

Courage.

The willingness to experience your own vulnerability and find the strength in it: that is true courage.

When I gather my imaginary balls and work up the nerves to face whatever it is...its a great accomplishment when I don't fall flat on my face and actually do well.......then there are those moments where I do fall flat on my face and have the 'scars' to prove it.

It is when shit hits the fan...i fall flat on my face and reach the lowest of low.....And somehow..day by day....I make my situation better and better.

To be open is where I am the strongest and is when I have courage not knowing what I am being open to.

Man in strong and has courage when he allows himself to be vulnerable to the world, man is a coward when he refuses to be open and maintains control.

obsession consumes me

2009-08-18T11:14:00.003+08:00

Some women its shoes, handbags. For others its gadgets or big boys toys. For me its sunglasses (specks), bags, really soft rubber flip flops and cameras.

Cameras the most expensive obsession on my list. I think I have too much of them. I have my cameras- lomos- and other little camera-like devices. At times they can be such a crutch.

I see a grat photo opportunity - take out the dslr, take a few pictures, change lens, take out mini lomo take picture.....or take out hp take picture.

It gets to a point where i have to tell myself...its not about capturing the experiences but just simply - be in the experience. There are a few vacations where i was more concerned about capturing the moment I came back home with my soul feeling empty cause i gained nothing out of the holiday.

I think the nest holiday or any outing. I must commit to one camera - and make the best out of it. And constantly remind myself - just experience. And allocate a whole day of photo taking and enjoy the rest of the trip.

6 cameras including lomos, 4 lenses, 2 flash and my mobile camera. Its time to stop the crazy obsession. Its getting too expensive. Todays mantra - "I am not my cameras".

Where everything is still....and I'm in the NOW

2009-08-18T10:41:00.005+08:00

I came back from a weekend getaway to Pulau Redang.

A beautiful island where the water is many different shades of turquoise & blue.

Beaches have a profound effect on me. It calms me instantly when I am in the water by myself.

And that is when I truly experience & practice mastery.

Something about the beach gives me instant clarity of my life. On the plus side...keeps me in check and focused....on the not so plus side - the clarity I see I do not always like.

I am a water baby, a true Pisces. I love the beach, the soft sand the waves the water the color and the smell. My favorite moment.....during the hot afternoon while everyone else was having lunch I was in the calm sea and floating and all I can hear was the water.

Now I am back in KL - polar opposite of Redang Island, and can get quite depressing.

I need to create the beach in my mind.

What is your beach?

I can't save every stray cat Mel!

2009-07-06T00:59:00.008+08:00

"I can't save every stray cat Mel".

Profound advice from my mother.

In 2004, I graduated and took the first job offered to me. A friend approached me and asked for financial help. This was the thought going through my head. *I trust this guy and I will help him, after all I can afford it.* I handed him the cash that day itself. This wasn't the first time I've helped people out with whatever I can. Not necessarily money.

I never sat down and wondered is it cause I can't say no or I can't accept their *possibly negative thoughts of me if i reject them and say no or is it the whole superwoman complex, I-will-save-you syndrome? Whatever the reason, I help and help with whatever I can, but it got to a point where I said to myself, 'Wait a minute if I help this guy with my time, I will have no time for myself and I kinda need that time', or 'If i give this guy money to feed his family I'm not going to have much'. I had gotten myself in a situation of helping other people to the point where I didn't have much left (be it money or time and energy!)

It started getting to me cause I felt *guilty for saying NO. For not helping.

Frustrated and down, I called my mother and told her my dilemma. I remember asking her, 'Ma how do you do it? How do I say NO? How can you NOT help people? She listened and replied, 'The same reason why I can't save every stray cat living in the streets Mel.' Said my mother who is a cat lover.

She has faith and trusts the cycle of life. She has faith that the street cats were smart and cunning enough to survive in the streets.

*I paused and said my good byes*

As usual, I sat and digested it for a while.

If she did save every cat she saw....she would be the stereotype of the old lady and a thousand cats in her house with a funky smell which can shock your sense of smell a block away!

*I got it ma.

Its ok for me to say NO, I got to learn I'm not superwoman.

I must learn to have faith that life has its challenges and that the universe will do what it has to do. If I don't help out life still goes and to just trust the universe.

That's the easy part. The challenging part for me has been letting go of the guilt. It can be heavy on my chest. In time it gets lighter and eventually the heaviness is gone.

*A few days ago, a stray cat was found in the parking lot. There in a little dark corner, was a mother cat and her 2 babies. I automatically jumped to the rescue.....(We can't just do nothing!)

Without hesitation I looked for her. As soon as I saw her I thought we have to do something. Lets take her in!

But I realized this might be a problem since our building has a strict No animal policy. How can we take care of the cat and kittens?

Who can take care of them? Who loves cats so much that is willing to take care of them?

*Speed Dial *mother* Two minutes into the conversation she reminded me ...."We can't save every stray cat!"

I didn't take the white mommy cat and her 2 kittens in. I've grudgingly accepted that they can't come home with us.

I did the next best thing. Leave food and water for the mother...........twice a day.

Courtesy of Freefoto.com

blog.blog

2009-07-01T11:53:00.004+08:00

I have two blogs.

I stopped writing for more than a year. and i'm back :D *doing the running man cause i got my writing groove back*

When I started again on this blog....i was thinking about the feedback from a reader/friend of mine. Han said that my text is too small and i need more pictures. So 1.5 years later (better late than never) I did something with his feedback so......

.....I created a new blog lesstextmorevisuals.blogspot.com. The URL says it all. More pictures and less text....of the stuff I love.

Muchas Gracias Han

P.S. As for the small text. I like it small.

Our prayers.

2009-07-01T10:30:00.007+08:00

Start to a usual unemployed morning. No bath and go straight for the internet.

Mail ...check

Facebok.....check

Twitter....check (hated it and thought it was useless...now i have 2 twitter accounts..swallowing foot in my mouth)

Online newspaper ......check

My friend Jenny (who married one of my good friends) was chatting away with me online.

The conversation wasn't one of those 'hello, how are you?...and then *conversation left hanging*

It was a meaningful conversation about our plans for our careers, her plans to relocated to KL (currently she's in Ipoh) and about what we really want to do *eventually*. That if we died tomorrow, what would our contribution have been.

She wanted to do missionary work. Currently a nurse. She's in the profession of giving and assisting. From what I hear, she's a great nurse. But her gut tells her her calling is mission work. It makes her feel good *alive*.

She had to log off and catch some Z's...and she ended the conversation in a way I've almost never heard someone say to me.

'Lets keep each other in our prayers'.

This statement 'woke my soul up' this morning.

Usually its

Gtg or

talk to you later.....n

*Thinking* No one has said that to me at the end of a conversation. And i think of the people in my age group and how we end our conversation.....and i look at our lifestyle.

Where did the faith and spirituality go? Where did the concept of prayer go? Where for a few minutes we center and ground ourselves and believe and trust. And why did we stop sharing this positive energy with each other (sharing in a respectful non overly preachy way).

Its not only about praying 5 times a day, or going to temple, or sunday church, its also about reiki, meditation, C&E or whatever your choice is. A state of mind that creates positivity and clarity and you share that with others - wishing on others peace harmony or a state of being that gives clarity.

Jenny and I from different faiths, but I get the intent. So i replied

"I will have you and your husband in my prayers as well." Another way of me saying "Wa alaikum assalaam" And upon you be peace.

Photograph courtesy of Freefoto.com

sometimes the flood gates open and tears just flow

2009-06-24T22:40:00.008+08:00

When was the last time I cried?

A few weeks ago when things were just overwhelming.

Call me neurotic, but sometimes i get in a bind, flustered and frustrated I need to go to a corner and cry it all out.

I've been labeled the cry baby. It doesn't take me much to get me to cry. Be it a song, an-in-your-face-statement to my face or even someone's story of struggle & hardships. So, is me being emotional cry baby a bad thing?

Its one thing to cry for attention in front of others its another thing to just release let go and realize there are tears streaming down your face.

There are many triggers from my water works and many reasons why i cry.

**Story**

After dedicating myself as a freelance facilitator and working my way up in a year & a half to a trainer in training. I was at the back of the training room, having a bit of 'down time'. My coach said to me this would be the last training for all of us. Contract ended and that the company i freelanced for will no longer be doing these training's.

I sat at the back of the room staring into space, letting it all sink in.

'You mean after this we all won't be working together anymore in this type of setting?'

'No, we won't be replied my training coach.'

Reality sunk in and I cried.

I cried because I was freaking happy that I accomplished a huge goal in a year and a half.

I cried because I was sad that we wouldn't have the intimate, fun, loving working environment ever again.

I cried because many long lasting friendships were created through the training.

I cried because 'my purpose', (in the form of work) will end.

I cried because I worked damn hard, minimal sleep, crappy food, great team, great coaches, great training participants and great experiences shared with great friends was all ending.

It was a painful cry. Which lasted for a week.

Sometimes a good cry is good. To just let it all out. Cause keeping it in is just too much of an effort for me. Let the flood gates open for a while...if it means me feeling better the next morning. After all, the sun has to come out after the rain.

L O V E without condition - hugs

2009-06-22T23:15:00.006+08:00

Last December I was in Melbourne. Almost every moment possible was spent site seeing. Near a train station was this young lady with a poster 'free hugs'. Just like the rest of the crowd, like a tourist I stood and stare and thought why would she?...

...She's so brave...

...A great idea...

...I want a hug...

...I'll give her a hug...

...She's spreading love...

...Random acts of love...

I went up to her and just gave her a hug and *after all I was a tourist* took a picture with her.

I walked away happy....never wanting to ask her why.

Why was not important, but what was... is L O V E without condition.

** make me wonder...when was the last time i didn't think...just gave love unconditionally to a 'stranger'?

that's the thing. i think...that's why it stops me from showing kindness at times. i care about how i would look and how i would be perceived. don't ask for it, just give. don't wait just give. As weird and 'hippy ish' she looked at that street corner, I felt good after that. That buzz that made me feel like skipping along to me next tourist attraction.

When was the last time you gave love for no reason but to just spread love?

Entry related to a previous post - 'Random acts of love.

Rubys' Story

2009-06-16T09:16:00.005+08:00

I am deeply saddened and moved by Rubys' story. A friends mother that has dedicated her life to serving others.

Her daughter Janet, started a blog to update everyone on her mothers condition. The following two entries are from her blog

Funeral details

MONDAY 15TH & TUESDAY 16TH JUNE, 10am - 10pm.
Come pay your last respects at
Nirvana Memorial Centre
No. 1 Jalan 1/116A,
Off Jalan Sungai Besi
57100 Kuala Lumpur

There will be a special service at the wake on Tuesday 16th June at 8pm.

WEDNESDAY 17TH JUNE.
The church service will be conducted at mom's favourite church, the one where she got married. It's next to Dataran Merdeka, there should be ample parking in the basement car park of Dataran.

Date : Wednesday 17th June
Time : 11am
Church : St Mary's Anglican Cathedral
Jalan Raja (Dataran Merdeka)
50050 Kuala Lumpur

NO WREATHS PLEASE. Donations to the following organisations in mom's name would be greatly appreciated. Choose your favourite or let us divide it equally, it's completely up to you.
• Malaysian Red Crescent Society
• Society for the Severely Mentally Handicapped
• Hospis Malaysia
• MAKNA
• Community Support Network

Thank you all for your constant and everflowing love, support and prayers. We are very blessed to you in our lives. Deep, deep thanks from all of us.

Mom has gracefully taken the hand of God.

It was a day filled with laughter. We had said everything we needed to say to her, and we had heard her 'speak' to us as well. All was forgiven, all love was freely expressed without restraint. That was yesterday.

So today, we just sat in her room, played music and made jokes.

I think that's why she decided that it is ok to leave us. She waited until we were ready. All of us were at home.

When she took her last few breaths, we were all by her side. As her heart gradually stopped beating, she was surrounded by loving kisses and tender touches. She gracefully departed with angels by her side, taking the hand of God.

What a beautiful, graceful passing. She left us with one final beautiful memory. So typical of her. Every gesture is made with deep love and consideration. That's mom.

From The Star newspaper today.

Ruby Lee - Al Fatihah.

Laugh and Learn

2009-05-23T19:00:00.011+08:00

Accompanying my sister in law with her errands, I sat at the back seat with my nephew in his safety chair next to me. Almost 2 years old, his learning curve is accelerating by the day!

I waited in the car with him while my sister went to the bakery. I didn't want Armand

to fall asleep cause we had to go to my aunts house. I found his toy and it would entertain him and keep him awake for the rest of the car trip.

It was a toy dashboard with steering wheel indicators and side mirrors and all. A perfect toy for Armand who loves playing with all the buttons and steering wheel.

I looked for the ON button. I flipped it upside down and was looking for it everywhere. After a minute i gave up and passed it to him

"I can't switch it on. but play with this Armand'.

I turned away for a second and next thing i know i heard the sound of a toy engine being switched on.

I looked at him and he just looked at me like it was no big deal.

"Armand how did you switch it on?!"

I looked at the toy again and realized he switched it on by turning the toy ignition key. Smart kid, he watches people drive that's how he knows how to switch it on.

So I tested him.....or was it for him to show his aunt how to switch it on....I tu

rned the ignition key...and he just simply turned the ignition key again and the toy switched on.

I laughed at myself.....I was searching for the ON

OFF button and my almost 2 year old nephew manage to turn it on.

The older I get doesn't mean I know more!

**Moral of the story. Its not about age, Armand my 2 year old nephew has alot to teach me.**

Was looking through my pictures, this is what I found while writing this entry.

This is Armands' ritual. When we take him anywhere, he will insist on playing in the car for at least 10 minutes. My dad tell us that when ever he switches on his engine everything is on, indicator lights, windshield wipers etc.....Armand was playing with his car the day before.

When was the last time someone unexpected taught you something new?

nasi lemak bungkus

2009-04-07T14:17:00.005+08:00

Last published - Oct 7 2007!

Yeah a long looooonnngggg loooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg time.

Since 2007....i've been mentally blogging or my mind was too busy facing 'real life'.

After a creative night out, i felt energized again - creatively.

Bought take away dinner at Kg Baru - N A S I L E M A K A N T A R A B A N G S A

After eating i noticed my banana leaf. a heart.

Like p.coelho i too believe in omens. What does this omen mean?

**I feel like one of those people that found the silhouette of jesus on a potato chip**

I think i should just take it as it is. Its a heart. A reminder to always use my heart. To always have passion in everything i do.

I will write more. maybe not as intense all the time. more pictures.

own quiet moment

2007-10-07T13:09:00.003+08:00

I think the best way to understand someone is to understand yourself. Better if that someone leaves you alone, for your own quiet moment.. to think things through… if you don’t know who you are.. how would you go to know others… you don’t understand yourself… you wouldn’t understand others…

Paolo Coelho - By the River Pierda I sat down and wept

By the River Pierda I sat down and wept....this is the oddest title for a book I ever came across...however the most real and honest love story of paolo's. I am not a fan of loves stories...but this is the first one i read that hit a nerve.

If I can't experience positive emotions on my own such as bliss, then how am i able to create it with someone else on my life.

If i can't face the negative emotions on my own, then how am I going to persevere on my own when shit hits the fan of 'life

*thinking*

For my relationships (with God, with the universe, my family and friends and nature) to improve....i must first be in a relationship with my self and be honest - its like me standing in front of a huge mirror being butt naked and see me as it really is....in a out.

Everything starts from within.....and taking a look at whats within

*Painting by Gustav Klimt*

what do i really mean when I say....

2007-10-07T12:42:00.002+08:00

My artsy friend and I were having a discussion. About subtext...what do we really mean when we say something and what is it that we want to say......i thought this as a hilarious concept...what if everyone in the world said what they really mean.....

a: 'hey', giving a smile i am saying hello

b: 'Oh.....Hey', returning the polite gesture with a fake smile i will play with this useless social game of saying hello just to not appear rude, but really this conversation has no great significance to me and neither do you cause your a hi-bye friend.

a: "how are you?" trying to make conversation and sounding interested

b: "umm....good" i'm trying not to appear rude and will continue with this conversation even though i'm giving the clear signals for you to go away.

a: "hey give me your number, i'll call you esok and we'll do something k" i don't want to appear that i really don;t care about you so to appear interested I shall make a lame attempt at getting your number which will only take up space in my phone book

b: "Yeah sure, 012345678" please, i gave you my number a few times before this and i shall not hold my breath waiting for you to call....

This 'HI AND BYE CONVERSATION OF NO GREAT SIGNIFICANCE" is what i see alot of the time in KL, and I myself admit that i have had this conversation way to many times.

So this conversation of "Hi...how have you been? What you doing now? hey pass me ure number, we should hang out...i'll call you!" Really means " Hey, as to not appear rude and stuck up, i'm just going to make meaningless conversation with you and act like i genuinely care about whats going on in your life".

Honestly i would much rather have the
'Hey'
'Hey'

And that's the end of that conversation. Just acknowledge the other person, give a compliment if its sincere and real....and that's it.

As much as i can preach that honesty is the best policy and that i'm a direct person that speaks her mind....it all at times can be bullshit.

*thinking

How often do i sugarcoat what i want to say? and most importantly WHY?
why do we/ I speak this language....of half truths...

*thinking

Fear - fear of the judgments, consequences, not knowing what will happen if i said the honest truth, mistakes

So the 'hey, how are you'
can possible mean
"i don't care about you, i'm just appearing nice"
or
in the other extreme "hey, your really hot, can i have you now?"

so what if we really did live our lives like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar?

'it takes a character to build characters'

2007-09-25T19:03:00.000+08:00

'highlight' of my day......

something different

2007-09-24T16:05:00.000+08:00

an excerpt from my sketch book ' of thoughts and images of my (sub)conscious mind'

you are my minds' adventure
your words
your being makes me seek deeper in my complex thoughts

your mind makes me filter my thoughts...getting rid of the superficiality
your words
your being is my muse

your mind brings me delight
your words
your being brings me in a state of wild abandon where i give myself completely to the world and i experience living to its peak

your mind makes me feel lucky
your words
your being makes me feel that I'm in a state of abundance, where what i source for is given to me freely from the universe

your mind makes me feel alive again
your words
your being has awaken my senses, my desires to freely express myself

Random Acts of LOVE.....

2007-09-18T14:36:00.002+08:00

Recently, I was compelled to compliment an acquaintance on his amazing works of art. Why i did this? Cause I felt that I just couldn't not let him know how I felt about it.....and I believe all artists in their own right deserves open acknowledgment, appreciation and feedback.

I was looking for an appropriate word to express how i felt about his masterpieces, was looking for a word that described the emotion that i was feeling.....and the only word was L O V E

I find it perplexing why using this word is shunned upon...and why is giving a compliment and using this word so difficult for so many.

I've been brainwashed...made to suppress emotions, feelings....only to express myself in the 'safe zone'. Not too much (till the point of getting noticed) and not too little (so that i don't end up a wallpaper). As corney as it sounds like that BEP song..where is the love?

I read the newspapers....and there's always news of random acts of violence.....what about RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS? After all my belief that the root of random acts of kindness is L O V E. Why isn't that stressed upon?

What happened to compliments are given freely and the word love is used without shame or embarrassment.

Practice random acts of kindness......be it in a form of a compliment, picking up trash, recycling, or helping someone cross the street......practice the verb 'to love'

The love is here, there and everywhere....and love comes in many different shapes and forms...and a 'thing', and a 'doing'...and a 'being'.....as an emotion and state of mind.

So in the end.....I told this acquaintance......I love his work. As complex as it was in my mind.....using the word love made it alot easier to explain.

Art by Hugh MacLeod.

quality vs. quantity - stop and smell the roses

2007-09-15T10:58:00.002+08:00

After 12 days working my booty off in Sandakan was ready to just cancel my trip to Kota Kinabalu to I can come back to the peninsular, Kuala Lumpur and just sleep and rest in the comfort of my own home.

After an acquaintance convinced me to stay in KK, I stayed.

I loved my trip, love the city and the people

The unexpected highlight of my trip.
Falling in love with the people there. Its the people that make a place special...the ambience, the vibes people give out in a place that makes it cozy or relaxing. I loved that few days cause the people were so 'chilled out'.

I'm WAS one of those that went on vacation and was so obsessed over documenting it, with at least 3 cameras sometimes 5, a digital, my B&W SLR, and the few lomos. I was so tired from walking around in the market in KK town that i decided to just go to the back and just park my ass there. Then IT hit me.....*this is there that light bulb above my head suddenly lights up* It was such a great somewhat liberating feeling. I was always so caught up with taking pictures to capture the so called 'moment'...however I was never 'in the moment'. I was the type that hardly stopped and smelled the 'roses' when on vacation. The last time was my trip to Bali with the parentals.

I enjoyed just sitting there taking pictures with only my phone camera....of random kids and people and I thought to myself...how long has it been that i truly was relaxed on vacation and just chilled and soaked everything in?.....the answer to that was HARDLY EVER ...its been too long....was very happy my friend convinced me to stay

*thinking*

So what can i get out of this trip and apply it to my life. I realize that its not the amount of relationships (be it with God, family, friends, the universe, nature etc) but the quality of it. Which got me thinking....how much time and effort do i really invest in my relationships so that its an amazing, positive fun one?

Yes yes...I've heard the quotation an million and 1 times "quality not quantity".....now that i have experienced it....i get it. With my hectic life of 18 years, moving around the world, with so many experiences....what is it that i crave and look for? (I ask this way to intense question to myself all the time)

Though my thoughts are complex...I crave for the simplicity in life (and the way i live my life) and the simplicity in my relationships with God, the universe, nature, my nation, the world, con mi familia y mis amigos....and most importantly with myself.

Little Bundle of Joy - Armand

2007-09-15T10:13:00.001+08:00

A long while back...a friend of mine gave me feedback about my blog

its intense
the letters are too small
and need more pictures

so i shall put up a picture of a person in my life which brings utter joy to the family

Armand L.S.
17-6-2007

Currently at 6 kg...this 'montel' bundle of joy posing with his first 'cow' teddy stuffed animal which his uber cool aunt gave him. He's the first new male addition of the 3rd generation of the family......first grandson lah.

At 3 months he is at that phase where he's making baby noises and his eyes can start to focus. And when we talk to him he starts smiling and laughing.

How my heart melted when i was away for just 2 weeks for work...and come back to a bigger and noisier Armand. I have given this multiracial nephew of mine...3 names

Chinese - pronounced ah man
Malay - ar man
Spanish name - ar mando

So as he grows older to a legal age.....

i auntie Mel......will introduce him to the world of piercings.
In the mean time.....when he's old enough..i will spoil him silly and draw and paint with him all day long :D

what's your cause?

2007-06-05T12:33:00.002+08:00

Freedigitalphotos.net

Judgments....I would be a liar if I said I didn't judge people or create assumptions about them. As human beings it is easier to categorize things / people / feelings / individuals.

I always thought that the judgments i made was a conscious one....it was quite obvious how my judgments were quite automatic.

The other day i was chatting with an acquaintance I had just met. The only thing i know about 'who' he is...is that he's a friend of a friend, the most important part of a person 'what' he is.....i'm just begining to find out......I thought i knew what he was all about - my judgments of him....

My self-righteous self thought she knew what there is to know about him...i didn't like him to begin with in all honesty...i've seen him around numerous times before he actually approached me and said hello....i did my hi's and bye's with him, had an insignificant conversation as to not appear rude. I thought he was self absorbed, thinking he thought he was the 'sizznit', and all about looking good and didn't bother to go to university cause he was just lazy.

This was a long time ago..then only recently I started chatting with him..with all my judgements about him i thought okay...maybe this guy isn't what i think he is...he may be 'nice'....so one day we were chatting about work and he said how work is really consuming and how he works his ass off. He was thinking about doing something else....so i asked him a simple yet deep question.....'what are you passionate about'...he replied the environment.

This simple answer, in a second changed my whole perspective on him. The first thought in my mind,

wow
my judgments of him are totally wrong
i initially judged him cause i didn't like him in the beginning
i instantly had this new found respect for him...though i didn't really know him
i honestly didn't see this side of him

This guy had a cause which he was passionate about. And i felt that defined his integrity / his purpose as a human being.

*Thinking*

Some people that I meet have a cause, have a passion. Some people its the love of having a business that they love, some love people....people are their cause so they have a passion for trainings...some mothers i know....they are just simply passionate about raising their families.

*thinking*

in a way it does reflect a side of me which really isn't all that pretty. How i only respect people only if they're hard working and have a cause...have a definite bigger picture...purpose in life. And if my initial judgments of people are negative......it is up to the OTHER PERSON to prove to me otherwise.

I'm happy i have gotten to know this 'acquaintance'...oddly enough after many chatting sessions with him......little did i realize he's one of the few that truly understands what i'm going through in life....which is a comforting thought.

Then he told me...."you know there are more of us out there"

:)

cleaning time...

2007-05-02T22:07:00.002+08:00

My life now is going thorough a state of calmness and willingness for change. Usually when I go through this phase of my life, internally and externally I go through a spring cleaning session.

I finally faced my fear and cleaned my entire room. In 1999, when the house was ready my stuff from Peru arrived. I was such a rat pack in Peru, kept everything..even sentimental receipts. So I faced it all head on.

I shredded all the unwanted documents, let go of my old crap and old clothes. That was step one….step two was to attack my cupboards…when clearing my room…I realized that I had so much space…….what’s worse is that for 8 years I’ve been storing unnecessary stuff from my past. Like things that were once sentimental…is no longer…Like what I am going through now. With so much space in my room….and in my life…..I can now make room for new things…and for a minute enjoy the space and the emptiness…

My spring cleaning process is still in the ‘process’….I rediscovered old report cards and awards…I never saw writing as something I love doing…till I started blogging……I found a award from the 5^th grade for story writing…and my my kindergarten report card my teacher said that I very much loved to tell stories. I find writing therapeutic….almost like an automatic. I have stacks of notebooks and sketch books which I used as what everyone else would call them ‘diaries’..I found love letters and entries which were 5 pages long. I have definitely evolved through the years…..one thing remains constant….I found myself authentic and very expressive of my emotions when I write…and when I wrote…..most of my entries were never about what I did…it was always what I felt.

So amidst all the clutter……I just had to stop…..and sit down and read my old high school notes…my entries….and just reminisce on my past. I had totally forgot about my notebooks….and was appreciative that I rediscovered them. I allowed myself to ‘experience my past’…..but not for long….I put all of it in a box and tucked it away.

Makes me question..why was I so afraid of cleaning my room? Was it cause I was afraid to go through the hassle and face the fear of letting go? Was I living in the past? Was I holding on to uneccesary things that is holding me back now? This physical act of cleaning is very much replective of what my sould is going through. Yeah Its always easy to avoid…but avoiding to me was if not more stressful and painful and tiring than just facing it. Cleaning parts of my room which was untouched for so many years wasn’t that bad, it was therapeutic and I’m damn proud of myself (cause I’m such a rat pack)….

Its like the band aid theory….just rip it off…..it wont hurt as bad as I thought…and after the intil pain and shock…I’m over it……I’m happy I cleaned my room…..cause I found old notes from my best friend….made me wonder what is going on with her..made me appreciate her sincerely again..and how our friendship has evolved from adolescence to adulthood.

I guess for anyone to move on in their lives, they must first let go of the past (even if its positive or negative ) so that new and better things can enter their lives. Be it new relationships…with God, friends, family and the universe….or a new job,..or a new phase in their lives like taking responsibility and ownership of their lives, or starting a family.

I packed all my diaries and stored it away….got rid of ½ of my documents….and began a new phase of my life called….”living in the now and accepting come-what-may”…

picture from freedigitalphotos.net

clothes vs nudity

2007-04-22T22:11:00.001+08:00

And the weaver said, speak to us of Clothes.
And he answered?:

Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful. And though you seen in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain.
And forget not that the earth delights to feel your fare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet' - On Clothes

So I can wear all the 'fabucci' (fabulous Gucci) in the world to mask my insecurities and to brain wash my mind thinking the more money I spend on clothes to make my 'image' appealing......they do not hide the unbeautiful side of me, my mind and my soul.

I think that a person is the most beautiful nude. This concept can either be the most liberating or the most vulnerable for a person. The beauty of a human figure - is what I appreciate cause i believe it it the true essence of the person....nothing to hide behind....just that person and the world. After all we are all born butt naked and when we pass on to 'a different world'....it is our flesh that will become one with the earth. Our naked body is the containter of our souls not our clothes.

I don't think that the world should be a massive nudist colony..I think that nudity and a persons comfort with their own flesh (regardless of its God given imperfections)....is really important.

Since I started creating art I thought the human figure and portraying it in its truest forms fascinating. From drawing anorexic, skinney figures (during my rebellious depressive state of mind) to drawing fat healthy pregnant women (during my sane and happy mental state) I have loved the human figure.

I love the fact that my body does have its imperfections. That I have a pear shaped body and at times I wished my chest size was bigger. And I do have a birthmark of all places...God decided to put it on the tip of my nose. Thank God its not really dark and ugly. Being naked is vulnerable at first....and it gets liberating......its like I'm telling the world..this is me and there is no way I can hide....so just 'take it or leave it' mentality.

Back in my uni days we had a photography project and part of the assignment was to take a portrait picture in black and white. I clearly remember it like yesterday. We made our own make shit studio where it was in the hallway of my house...we wanted a certain look and I knew what concept we should do..so I became the 'subject' matter. We wanted something different....so i remember i wore a sheer cloth tied it around my chest to make it look i was nude. To add to the effect I put baby oil all over my arms so that when we misted water it wasn't absorbed into my skin. The lighting was great and the pictures turned out great.....while we were shooting my brother walks out of his room...looks at me posing and the rest of the team taking pictures and holding lighting...and me appreaing to be 1/2 naked...he just closed the door in disbelief....he called it my porn photo session. I thought it was art.

I grew up as a child surrounded by beatiful art works......1 in particular...a woman wearing a sarong with a see through top...and I still think that its the most beautiful piece of art work my parents owned. Cause with her being somewhat nude....I could see past that and see the true essence of the painting.

There is smut porno art....and there's art...nudity with taste. I love Gustav Klimt's work..thought his sketches of women is provocative....it capures the essence of a womans figure and captures her sexuality of being comfortable in her own skin.

Nudity...is such a taboo. Why I wonder...cause a naked figure somehoe leads to sex and all the things related to sex. For me..nudity..and the thought of it...leads to looking beyond that...and looking into the soul.

Like the birthmark on my nose.....I can tell so many stories about it.

Some poeple meet me and directly ask whats that on my nose...then after a while.....they don't look on the borwn spot......the look at me...they see inside me...(what they think of me that's a whole different issue). Somepeople don't notice it either they're really not looking at me...or they just see past it and see the essence of me.

And then there are those that are around me for the longest times.....and out of the blue they ask..what's that on your nose? I can't help but laugh...

I believe....that you can put a barbie doll looking naked chick....and a big size round chick in front of me...which is most beautiful.I wouldn't base it on the one that fits 'society's isdea of what is a beautiful figure'...oon on the fact that the naked woman knows she looks good.......I would base it on the one that is proud of being in her own skin and exudes a proud sensuality of her feminin side. Like Khalil Gibran poetically wrote....it hides so much beauty....yet it doesn't hide the not so beautiful...

Art works by Gustav Klimt

when you just know and don't know how to explain knowing......

2007-04-16T19:00:00.002+08:00

Have you ever had that feeling where you just know....call it whatever it is you call it....its really unexplainable...

The best way I can describe it is like a gut feeling, an intuition, sort of a comforting feeling at the same time exciting......like when you feel something is right and your friends ask you - "How do you know?" you reply..."Cause I just know..." and you tell yourself....I can't define what it is...but the feeling is good and I just know.

Now this may apply to finding your significant other and you "just know that its the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with".....or even someone you met for a just 10 minutes and you "just know" you're going to be best friend with that person.....or you apply for a job and "you just know" that its the perfect job for you...

The other day my best friend in Canada messaged me and she said she thought of me the other day, she was having a conversation with a friend. She talked about how, I "get her" and she doesn't have to explain. Dre....is my soulmate. My belief is that anyone can be my soulmate....I don't have he belief that the soul mate is a term exclusively for my other half.

I believe that I have 3 soulmates. Why are they my soulmate......this may sound so mumbo jumbo....they are my soulmates because when I met them, and experienced them "BEING THEM", i "just knew" that somehow in this universe our souls are intertwined and our auras just complimented each other.

Dre...she's my soulmate...like me, she too is a Pisces which makes our connection stronger. I can't really describe the friendship we have....I just feel it and know we're connected...even though I've known her since 96 and have not seen her in about 8 years....we're still connected somehow. Someone asked me how do you know she's your soulmate....and i replied with the unexplainable "i just know"

Its a comforting feeling especially when shit hits the fan in life...i can always connect somehow with my soulmates....Dre, Blur and my mother. All 3 relationships very different and dynamic in its own way.But when I'm with them and in their space....I can feel them and if I'm feeling a certain way...I don't have to say much....they "just get it"..

This connection which can't be described or defined in words, I have had a few times. One was knowing my soulmates which happened in an instant. Another time when I realized what to do with my life.

After 4 years of an advertising degree...never once used once I graduated....1/2 way through my degree...I just knew I didn't want to do advertising...I knew that wasn't my purpose...what was my purpose at that time I would always come to a blank...but this gut feeling told me..."Don't waste your time convincing people to buy shit".....After job hopping....never has a job lasted a year....switching industries...(all this in a span of 2 1/2 years)...i realized what I wanted to do with my life....I discovered my purpose. My wise 'guru' which I rarely turn to...he shared with me his opinions and views of where he sees me work wise.....It was painful to hear. Cause it meant I had to let go of the security of a mundane job with money coming in and venture in a totally different field. It was scary, nerve wrecking at the same time I realized that I had to let go of all that....and follow that "indescribable feeling" of where to go next in my life work wise.

Or when I know something bad is going to happen. My grandmother (God Bless her Soul)...was critically ill for about a week before she passed on at the ripe old age of 92. She fell sick a week before Hari Raya (Eid).....I was worried cause after raya i was to be away for about 4 weeks freelancing . And I knew if I went for my job it would be difficult for me to 'balik kampong (my grandmas village) for her funeral. My mother told me that her condition was getting worse and that its critical. As much as it saddens me to loose my grandmother, I accept that its all a part of life.....I'd rather her be at peace than suffering not being able to get up and eat. Deep down, I knew that she was to pass on before I left for my freelance work. She passed away 2 days she of Hari Raya.

Some people are more intuned with "just know" undefined feeling. To the point where they can predict things...not like a psychic.....My mother has a gift of "just knowing". She knows when something bad is going to happen of when 'something significant' will happen. When living in Peru, my parents came back to KL...so like any teenager with the freedom of a humongous house would do...I threw a party....where everything that isn;t good for me to consume was abundant....and word spread so I can even remember who showed up to the house. I stayed up till the next day...picking up trash and any traces 'of evidence' that there was a party....maybe i shouldn't have had the party the day before they were to come back home. My mother came home....took one step in the compound and 'she knew'...and boy did she let it rip when confronting me. Maybe cause she's a mother and has this extra intuition when they know their kids are up to no good.

I noticed that some people always wants things defined. They can't stand it when they can't be okay with not knowing, like for example...when they meet someone and realize that this person is special to them...and they disastrously want to define the relationship with the "are we just friends or more than that..are we gf & bf?" Now if the other party is not ready....its just a warning sign and could possibly 'ruin things between you two'.

I have come to accept that not everything can be defined. And by me wanting to define things and make it fit into something comprehendable is just wont do 'it' justice. I do have moments where I fight that 'feeling' and want to define it....so that it fits....like that kids toy...where there's all sorts of shapes...like a triangle, square and circle...and the kids have the colorful blocks and they have to match up the shapes. Sometimes I fight that feeling....by taking some odd shape and trying to fit it in to 'society's accepted square". Not everything can be defined....and I'm getting used to being okay with that...and just 'feel it and know that its right for me'.....

Freedigitalphotos.net

Creativity - Should ART be perfect? Is there a right or wrong in art...

2007-04-15T21:35:00.001+08:00

Today at work there was a birthday party. Since it was my first arts and craft birthday party for kids my boss let me take charge. So I did an introduction of what we were to do....the kids had to paint on a ceramic cup. So I told them you can draw anything you want, their family, their face their pets anything. And if they had no idea we had stencils that could help them. So after they traced / drew on their mugs it was time to paint.

The ration of maids to kids was like 1 : 2.5 ...which made my job alot easier.

So as they painted I noticed the parents getting excited....their kids had the opportunity to explore their creativity...learn that in art there is no right or wrong...just the desire to be free and be creative and explore on that.

I noticed some parents were so fixed on their kids painting inside the lines.....indirectly i saw it there is a right way to be creative in art......there are guidelines......then one parent asked me can she paint here...pointing to a blank white space on the mug....i replied "of course this is theirs they can paint and do whatever they want"...

I saw that the parents wanted their kids to paint on the mugs perfectly, inside the lines...with pretty colors....to the point of controlling which color to use rather than encouraging to freely 'just paint'...

This isn't a bitching session of controlling parents...but the question I wanted to explore was....is there a right or wrong to art.

Having a fine arts background....my answer is a firm NO. My belief (you may agree or disagree the point here it so see it from my perspective)....my belief is that it is when the children are young that creativity should be encouraged...i feel that if kids are encouraged to be creative it will make problem solving when they are adults alot easier.

I felt this sad feeling in my heart when i saw parents telling kids what to do...to the point of taking the brush out of their hands and them end up painting the mug. One parent would stand right by her daughter and tell her no you should paint it like this......

In art I hate that word SHOULD......with children i prefer the words such as TRY THIS...or WHAT IF YOU DID THIS...

Out of the bunch of 20....3 showed talent. What do I base this on....nothing about if the mug they painted was 'beautiful in my eyes'....but its based on their patience, their attention to detail and their enthusiasm to carefully think of what to paint what to draw.....the beginnings of taking ownership of their creative art works....

One girl in particular....her mother confessed to me that I have no patience for detail.....these little little things i just can't do them....unlike her daughter that took the longest to paint her mug while others went of playing and eating. She wasn't phased by the fact she and I were alone in the play area.....she took such great pride in her mug..which she was so focused on painting.....getting the dots right, getting the color right, the look that SHE WANTED. To her what she wanted was right in her eyes.

What better than a momento....totally created by your child...which you can appreciate 10 years later...no matter how 'horrid it look to the adults eyes'.....a creative creation of your child and how they were at that particular age.

I don't really blame or bitch at the parents. After all I know where they are coming from. They want their kids to get things 'right', to do the best and be the best....at what expense? Telling the kids of how art should look like...was like imposing creativity has a right or wrong...so before you attempt to do anything make sure its right and looks good......to the parents eyes. After all I've been in the kids shoes....I clearly remember my mother doing some of my projects, and it was always the best (my mother herself is a self fought artist).....my mother had such an attention to detail..even I was surprised...So when it was time to do these projects...I told her my idea..she would come up with a plan and we would work on it together. Yes my mother is a controlling woman....its not perfect unless its done by her extremely high standards. Sometimes I would cry cause she pressured me to get it perfect.

I remember living overseas, the mothers got together and thought it would be fun if the kids did a talent show. I obviously would take part , since mother dearest was the VP of the womens society. So i said to my mother I want to be like a genie and hareem girl....So off my mother went sewing (yeah she sews too).....an outfit which in my eyes was gorgeous. The outfit was just the tip of the ice berg. Now came to the practicing my dance....she had the music ready and the choreography. I remember she would make me wear the beautiful yet very itchy hareen /belly dancing costume...and made me practice and practice over and over and over and over...till it felt like torture.....I tried to hide my tears and frustration after an hour...and with her you just don't cry......and she creamed at me and threatened me if my tears still did flow out of my eyes....

Me and my mom can laugh about it now.....cause she did realize she did take it to the point of Nazi - ish.....but regardless....she always encourage my artistic side....since small i can remember being in her art room while she did what ever fine art or crafts...and she always encourage me....after a while...she did give me the freedom I wanted in art....and she encouraged me to be free......it wsa then my natural passion of the arts grew. Theatre and fine arts was always my strongest skills...

I grew up with the mentality there was no right or wrong with art. And we had so many paintings at home that since I could remember art was 2nd nature at home. There were naif paintings, landscapes of all mediums....Every country that we moved to we hae a huge collections of art works from that region. My favorite is this beautiful painting of a woman with a sheer top can see her plump bosoms to die for......

In high school I ended up doing IB art....and the freedom to created pieces that I wanted.....about 90% had to do with the human figure....so there I was in peru.....drawing nudes of women, when i was depressed and going through alot of emotional 'crap' my paintings were of skinny naked women....can see their rib bones and all...and i got through that and my life was better....i started painting fat naked pregnant women.....So during the school art exhibition......i remember my moms friends being all shocked at the amount of in your face raw paintings of the naked human figure.....my parents just supported me...they were not at all shocked when my sketch book was filled with naked figures, private parts in no way censored.

All this flashback.....now to the point....yeah i must tell a huge log story before I get to the point....from my experience....art at a young age should be freely encouraged if that's what the child is interested in....if they show potential....encourage it...let the child expereince the passion gorwing within them....let them freely explore that creativity.....its only 10 to 15 years later the parents will see the results....

this is the frustration I experience....parents pay a money for their kids to go to some art place...and they expect results...they want to see that pretty painting on the canvas 3 sessions later...when really the real results will be produced much much later in life....cause it is at this stage (early childhood) that the desire the freedom to creativly explore is instilled and in due time the passion within will just exude out of them.

I salute all parents regardless if they are the ones standing next to their child telling them what to do....or the ones that allows their child to just express themselves....cause now at the age of 26 and many conversations with my mother...i realize...being a parent...is just not easy...

I was telling my mother...if my children (yeah i want more than 1...so its not child)....want to color outside of the box..the only things i will question is ' with what color?'

Next to the first painting I clearly remember creating - 5 years old, Canberra, Australia
My love for theatre started quite young. It was the birth of 'loving the attention being extroverted' 5 Years old, Canberra Australia.
Me and mother dearest (the very loving / controllng one as previously mentioned..God Bless Her). In her art room me being a busy body. 8 years old Kuwait City, Kuwait.

'The Rules of Life' - Rule 85

2007-04-14T13:36:00.003+08:00

Rule 85

'The Rules of Life' - Richard Templar, isn't a book which i read front to back. Its one of those that I keep on my bedside table (the floor) and read before I go to sleep or take a nap. He has a few other books Rules of Management & Rules of Work .

For the longest time was eyeing this book...would go to borders and read a few rules. SOMETIMES I would practice multiple rules from the book.....there are days when I don't practice it at all....

Why do I love his writing? Its simple....nothing complex in alien language. His rules aren't pure genius....that's cause the 100 rules in his book are not original....in one form or another I have heard them from someone or some other books.

His simple language and a collection of 100 rules and how he elaborates on them...that's what I like. Reading his 'stuff' I don't feel like throwing myself off of a bridge or sitting at home analyzing and dissecting his mind f*%king work (like A road less travelled).....how can I put this.....reading his 'stuff' leaves me content...motivated in some way....

Rule 85 - Hang out with positive people

Got me thinking....everyone that I hang with are they positive....or maybe they were 'ok' and I didn't like myself around them. In my life I go through these phases.....where I take out the trash. Few years ago, with my unpredictable temperament, my loud mouth ways and in 'yo face' bluntness, my life o' meter...was very up down extreme...i was the minority of such an extreme way to communicate while my friends were on the 'safe mode of communication'....me and my friends were talking in different languages each so rightious and stubborn...meeting in the middle was rare...

so this brought up alot of frustration, angst, anger and unresolved issues.....so i did some 'spring cleaning' and hung out with other people.

Got me wondering.....these people that I disconnected myself with 'spring cleaning' - were they not positive? Or was I just such a controlling, demanding, self rightious bitch that was just never satisfied with anything? Both are true...

They were great people....and I made that conscious choice to part ways....It wasn't about positivity - it was about the bubble they lived in...their controlled life living the fake image...the lack of authenticity....all these characteristics which i didn't see a positive influence in my life. Though I was such a preacher of being real and supported "individual-ism"...i realized being with these people was going against what I believed in. I was becomming one of them...where we were viewed as a whole rather than groups of individuals. With a big slap on my face I then realized...shit...i'm morphing into a person which i dispised being.....thinking I was being real...i was being real fake in the end....

So hence the spring cleaning......which was so liberating. I was more than happy to relinquish the title I was holding to finally had space to breathe. In my heart I wished them the best and said you leave me alone I leave you alone.

*The following is all purely based on my experiences and myfirst hand JUDGEMENTS of what I see, hear, do, feel and experience*

How many people that I encounter living in KL really do surround themselves with positive people. Constantly I see the 'fabucci' (fabulous gucci) girls (i only use the label ladies and women for dignified females with brains)....with their little possee.....these chicks cant survive alone.....God Forbid they go shopping or to any social event alone! These chicks are always in flocks....with their click clack heels and all accesorized......at one point in my life I wanted to be one of them....then I faced reality....I can't walk in heels. Now...what positivity do these not-authentic-image-driven-chickies give each other.....

a safe zone, where they will be accepted as the queen bees of the 'social society' (each other) - a safe zone where they will be accepted amongst their 'peers ......so there is positivity...she gets what she wants obviously to be part of a group where she is accepted...they feel safe in their little bubble world with the safe friends....it brings her comfort.

..at a very huge price of course....we all know the prices..the usual must keep up with the latest trends, constantly seeking approval and always caring about what is preceived of them....etc etc etc......This breed of fabucci...is quite abundant in kl....can always be seen in the VIP line or as an accesory to some blue blood aristobrats' kid...now this is another judgement that I am going to share....8 out of 10 times in my encounters..these chicks are the most promiscuous and the most messed up in the head suffering from some kind of self worth issues hence the promiscuity....easy / free sex does not get you that man who will guide and protect and love you!

*judgements / venting / bitching session over*

In the book Emotional Intelligence - I recently read that emotions are contagious (like yawning) and that subconsciously we will absorb 'whatever' energy that is around us...

Quite true.....back when 'before' (there are 2 phases in my life, before 'the bitchy side controlled me'...and after 'i control the bitchy side')...if i was in a real pissy mood at someone or something.....i made sure the whole world was in a pissy mood too...and alot of people did absorb my neagitivity...It didn't help the fact that I had such a domneering personality. And if I was in love or happy or intoxicated....people liked to be around me cause i was chirpy and I saw the world like a bed of roses .........and people liked me alot more then cause they didn't have to be overly cautious around me

So really....these people I mentioned earlier, the ones I got rid of during my 'spring cleaning' session. Was it I breaking away from them to seek positive people to surround myself with or was it me the negative one that saw how i brought these people and myself down being with them so i just walked away?

I think it was both. I didn't like them or / and how i was negative around them and i didn't like myself around them....so I cleaned them out. They are not bad / shallow peolpe.....they are just simply put...people....
'these particualar people' + me = not a good combination
so maybe it wasn't that they were negative......maybe it was the fact i had negative judgements so my views about them was always filtered through that...so everything from that relationship was always shit.

I was (WAS being a very important key word right now) one of the bad apples that small little cancerous negativity....not being happy with the situation 'i did what i had to do'...and found me a few random positive authentic people to all alot of sugar, spice, simplicity and excitement' into my life. After so many 'trials and errors'....personally when they're not authentic.....they're not positive.

The Alchemist - d e s t i n y

2007-04-02T22:53:00.003+08:00

One of the most amazing authors I have discovered along with a million other people is Paolo Coelho. Wanting to write a book critique on 'The Achemist' - I found it overwhelming..where do I begin? It would take forever to write one.

Do i write about the characters Santiago encounters during his journey, the Englishman, the merchants daughter, the crystal merchant, the king, the alchemist, the robbers, Fatima.....

Or do I start of with the concepts in the book, 'maktub', alchemy, language of the universe, the tresure, the omens, the simum...

Or with the not so obvious yet significant 'things' like the book he has attempted to read but can never finish reading, or Urim and Thummim, the desert, the hawks...

Overwhelming....cause the list of topics to write about are endless...

Reading 'The Alchemist' excites me cause every time i read it I discover a new passage or a sentence which didn't make sense before make perfect sense to me now......So I underline (in pencil of course) the paragraphs or phrases that just stand out.....

A topic which pops up early in the book is the question of destiny. Is it Santiago's destiny to fid the treasure or to just continue to be a shepherd?

Got me thinking...

Do I believe in fate? - Not really...
Do I believe in destiny? Yes....HOWEVER....I do believe I can control my destiny. *my 2 cents input* I can sit around and wait for my destiny to happen and be served to me on a silver platter (very unlikely) or I can work my ass off and make my destiny come true.

"It's a book that says the same thing almost all the other books in the world say." continued the old man. "It describes people's winability to choose their own destinies. And it ends up saying that everyones believes the world's greatest lie."

"What;s the world's gretest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised.

"It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose contro of what's happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

The boy didn't know what a person's "destiny" was.

"It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young knows what their destiny is.

"At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny."

So if I belive in destiny - who decides what my destiny is?
Other people?
My parents?
Me?

Other people.....now that would mean I care about how I am perceived in society and I let that control me...cause I care too much about what others think of me and seek their approval so I live life with this facade....to me this is the scarriest thought...other people choose my destiny.

My parents...hahahahahaha...I can only imagine and laugh about it....what my parents want me to me...deciding my destiny....they have never decided what my destiny should be......in the past they have hinted what they wanted me to do in life, career wise, relationship wise.........to this day I will never forget the day I told my mother I wanted to go to art school....and I clearly remember her telling me 'No, I wont allow it'...ironic...it wasn't my fear to be an artist but her fear for me that stopped me.

Me.....yes I do believe I decide me destiny, however I also believe society and my parents also have an indirect say in this. It was the cociety I lived in at that time, how my parents raised me, the 'belief's that instilled in my and myself that creates my destiny.

Its my heart........as cheesy and corney as that sounds...for me this is true. Its my heart that tells me my destiny. *Another 2 cents of my thoughts about this*. I believe that if I want to fulfill one of my destiny and it comes from a positive place with no malice towards others and its a pure intention .....the whole world consipres and helps me a achieve it.

"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point which, as we say in the language of the desert, one'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.'

"Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severly tested." - Its said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.

"That's the principle that governs al things," he said. "In alchemy, it's called the Soul of the World. When you want something with all your heart, that's when you are closest to the Soul of the World. It's always a positive force."

On my jouney to fulfilling my destiny......I have at times felt like I have gone through the depths of hell and back. Career wise for example, many times I have wished that the 'Soul of the world', did test me and did kill my heart...thus ending my journey towards my destiny. An easy way out, a way to quit so i can just follow the drift of Malaysian society of being complacent, surviving off of paycheck to paycheck where the work isn't hard...but easy enough.

I can always make that conscious choice of telling myself my destiny is to be a customer service consultant where I answer phone calls and have an easy job that pays me $2,500 a month and that's it. I think after 3 months I would either choke myself to death with the phone wires or bite my wrists to stop the mundane insanity. I can always that the easy way out and not fulfill the destiny my heart tells me. Why is it that people fall into this trap of 'just surviving life' and not willing to go further, and really listen to their hearts cause I know and everyone else knows tha they are better than that? If i don't use my heart ......then I would just be a lifeless person in this world that is just 'doing' rather than living.

Its the 4 letter F word, which we deny exists.....but half of the time we experience it. FEAR.

"Don't give in to your fears," said the alchemist, in a stragely gentle voice. "If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."

I will be the first to admit that the dreaded F word has brought me down. Its always the fear of something.

The fear that I will fail
Th fear of looking like an ass when I do fail and everyone around me, lecturing and bitching with an I told you so attitude
Fear of the unknown.....I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
Fear of taking risks
Fear of what other people might think of me...if I fail
The fear of screwing everything up and bringing other people down with me

This fear is like cancer. It starts of small and it just grows bigger and eats up everything else...fear eats up self worth, self confidence, motivation, security.....etc.etc.etc....And in the end....I would just be in a vegetative state of nothingness ....

Sometimes I let fear get the best of me....I stop listening to me heart about my destiny and fear acts as a distraction to pursuing it.....like in a magicians act...where there's a cloud of smoke and its purely use to divert the audiences attention else where. This is where I use fear as an excuse to not listen to my heart and just stop in my tracks and go no where. As my heart screams louder and louder when I don't do anything....this is where the consumption of alcohol is increased...followed by an increase of food intake. For some avoiding their desiny due to fear, is masked with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, endless senseless partying, etc etc etc etc etc.......

*thinking for a while*
my heart that tells me what my destiny is. What does my destiny look like .......what is it exactly.....?

*thinking......

I really don't know what it would look like, but I go on a hunch a gut feeling if i'm in the right direction.

*thinking.....& rereading

so there you have it....a total of my 4 cents worth of input.
mel *r

through my 30 ringgit specs

passion

This made me laugh today

Another year older *doing the running man dance moves*

Litter Bugs never prosper

My life's' philosophy - 3 L's and an E and a C (after E)

As strong as your weakest link?

A Decade, 1999 - 2009

Beauty...

Think outside of the box, use your right brain...and feel free to ask questions

Responding to Gut Feelings - article written by Ron Eastwood

Adventures alone

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

Courage

obsession consumes me

Where everything is still....and I'm in the NOW

I can't save every stray cat Mel!

blog.blog

Our prayers.

sometimes the flood gates open and tears just flow

L O V E without condition - hugs

Rubys' Story

Funeral details

Mom has gracefully taken the hand of God.

Laugh and Learn

nasi lemak bungkus

own quiet moment

what do i really mean when I say....

'it takes a character to build characters'

something different

Random Acts of LOVE.....

quality vs. quantity - stop and smell the roses

Little Bundle of Joy - Armand

what's your cause?

cleaning time...

clothes vs nudity

when you just know and don't know how to explain knowing......

Creativity - Should ART be perfect? Is there a right or wrong in art...

'The Rules of Life' - Rule 85

The Alchemist - d e s t i n y

Another year older doing the running man dance moves