Adventures alone

I've been avoiding to write again.

Was telling my friend, that I liked doing things alone.  Like eating alone, shopping alone, errands alone.  Sometimes when I'm feeling blue I'll head on over to my favorite chicken rice shop and eat.....alone....or go to a mall alone to shop.  He encourage me to write about it.  

I need my time alone.  It doesn't scare me.  In fact I love it cause it is when I am alone when my internal voices are loud!  It gives me time to think of the things that are bugging me, the things that I am avoiding I face it during this alone time.  

A scary thought.  I do know quite a number of people that hate being alone...cause they don't want to answer those questions or thoughts at the back of their mind.  And if they are alone they fear to face what they have been avoiding.  Hence the reason why they always have to be around people or be doing something with someone......sorta like a headless chicken running around with the illusion 'i got my shit together'.

My alone time is my mental time to get my shit in order.  

Alone time can be liberating.  A few years back, I went to the Kanye West concert alone. Crazy stupid pathetic......whatever say I.  I went and actually found it liberating cause when i wanted to scream like a maniac I did, when i wanted to dance I did...yeah i saw friends there and chatted for a while....but i liked that i went alone.  It was fun....and i wanted to push myself - testing myself if i can let go of that sense of security to go with someone so i wouldn't look stupid.  

My next alone adventure......traveling alone on a vacation.  To a beach....that will truly be intense, fun and alot of 'internal talking' with a dash of picture taking.  My way of meditation and time to think, reflect and be free spirited.  

www.freedigitalphotos.net

Do you like being alone?  

What are your 'alone time' activities.....

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

I am far from political when it comes to my blog.  But todays entry...I am going to go there. I am going to be political but not in an ugly, angry way.

There has been a video, text messages and alot of ranting on twitter and FB status...about how shitty malaysia is, how there is so much injustices etc etc etc.  Those people protesting against the government will be wearing black on our 52nd year of independence.

Its sad.  

If I want a change, then it is up to me. 

Bitching takes alot of energy....and its much easier than assessing the situation and taking responsibility.  If I am not happy with my nation then it is up to me to create a nation which i want to like it.  I may be 1 person in this country.  But if i have the ability to bitch and enroll people to join me....then I can definitely shift that energy into something POSITIVE AND PURPOSEFULLY PRODUCTIVE.   Enroll people into doing something for the community.  Start small and let the positive actions grow.  

I believe wearing black is a cop out.  Don't like this...don't like that...hate this..hate that.  If you don't like it...then do something PRODUCTIVE.  

I am against police brutality when under police custody.

I am against abuse of power.

I am against cover ups.

I am against controlled media.  

I choose to not wear black and I don't want to teach my children to "wear black".  I believe there are other ways to be heard and taken seriously.   

My family and I have been affected by terroism (being held hostage), by war were we lost our home and sentimental belongings.....I have travelled the world where health care is to expensive, where the indigenous people are treated like crap, where cost of living is so high that living in the ghetto was normal and accepted, where inflation was sky high and carrying guns and shootings was not a big deal. Where the governments beyond belief.  Compared to Malaysia...Malaysia is a luxury.  Look at now...and move forward....not take 10 steps back.

Yeah there are quite a few things in this country which I don't agree with however .....its my attitude.  This merdeka....I can give malaysia a middle finger.  Malaysia isn't the government.  Malaysia is about the people, the attitude, the environment.  

Yeah a few bad apples can ruin the whole bunch.  In my eyes....I have a choice of my attitude about merdeka.     Cause there are plenty of good apples in the bunch. 

Like Ghandi said, Be the change you want to see. 

This merdeka i will not be wearing black, because I have faith in Malaysia and her people.  

MERDEKA!   MERDEKA!   MERDEKA! 

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku,

Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju,

Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,

My country, the land where my blood is shed,

The people live united and progressive,

Blessings of happiness, may God grant

Courage

I have a deck of Journey Cards.  And when I am totally overwhealmed or feeling stressed.  I shuffle the deck of cards, calm myself and focus.  I select 3 cards.  (There is no 'right' way to select the cards..i just close my eyes and go with my gut and pick 3)

Its funny how the universe talks to me.  There are always 3 or 4 cards that are always selected.  

But then out of the blur today I got a card which got me thinking. ...I share an excerpt from the courage card.  

Courage.  

The willingness to experience your own vulnerability and find the strength in it: that is true courage.  

When I gather my imaginary balls and work up the nerves to face whatever it is...its a great accomplishment when I don't fall flat on my face and actually do well.......then there are those moments where I do fall flat on my face and have the 'scars' to prove it.  

It is when shit hits the fan...i fall flat on my face and reach the lowest of low.....And somehow..day by day....I make my situation better and better.  

To be open is where I am the strongest and is when I have courage not knowing what I am being open to.  

Man in strong and has courage when he allows himself to be vulnerable to the world, man is a coward when he refuses to be open and maintains control.  

obsession consumes me

Some women its shoes, handbags.  For others its gadgets or big boys toys.  For me its sunglasses (specks), bags, really soft rubber flip flops and cameras.  

Cameras the most expensive obsession on my list.  I think I have too much of them.  I have my cameras- lomos- and other little camera-like devices.  At times they can be such a crutch.  

I see a grat photo opportunity - take out the dslr, take a few pictures, change lens, take out mini lomo take picture.....or take out hp take picture.  

It gets to a point where i have to tell myself...its not about capturing the experiences but just simply - be in the experience.  There are a few vacations where i was more concerned about capturing the moment I came back home with my soul feeling empty cause i gained nothing out of the holiday.

I think the nest holiday or any outing. I must commit to one camera - and make the best out of it.  And constantly remind myself - just experience.  And allocate a whole day of photo taking and enjoy the rest of the trip.  

6 cameras including lomos, 4 lenses, 2 flash and my mobile camera.  Its time to stop the crazy obsession.  Its getting too expensive.  Todays mantra - "I am not my cameras".  

Where everything is still....and I'm in the NOW

I came back from a weekend getaway to Pulau Redang. 

A beautiful island where the water is many different shades of turquoise & blue.  

Beaches have a profound effect on me.  It calms me instantly when I am in the water by myself.

And that is when I truly experience & practice mastery.  

Something about the beach gives me instant clarity of my life.  On the plus side...keeps me in check and focused....on the not so plus side - the clarity I see I do not always like. 

I am a water baby, a true Pisces.  I love the beach, the soft sand the waves the water the color and the smell.  My favorite moment.....during the hot afternoon while everyone else was having lunch I was in the calm sea and floating and all I can hear was the water.  

Now I am back in KL - polar opposite of Redang Island, and can get quite depressing.  

I need to create the beach in my mind.  

What is your beach?

I can't save every stray cat Mel!

"I can't save every stray cat Mel".  

Profound advice from my mother.  

In 2004, I graduated and took the first job offered to me.  A friend approached me and asked for financial help.  This was the thought going through my head.  *I trust this guy  and I will help him, after all I can afford it.*  I handed him the cash that day itself.  This wasn't the first time I've helped people out with whatever I can.  Not necessarily money. 

I never sat down and wondered is it cause I can't say no or I can't accept their *possibly negative thoughts of me if i reject them and say no or is it the whole superwoman complex, I-will-save-you syndrome?  Whatever the reason, I help and help with whatever I can, but it got to a point where I said to myself, 'Wait a minute if I help this guy with my time, I will have no time for myself and I kinda need that time', or 'If i give this guy money to feed his family I'm not going to have much'.  I had gotten myself in a situation of helping other people to the point where I didn't have much left (be it money or time and energy!)

It started getting to me cause I felt *guilty for saying NO.  For not helping.

Frustrated and down, I called my mother and told her my dilemma.  I remember asking her, 'Ma how do you do it?  How do I say NO?  How can you NOT help people?  She listened and replied, 'The same reason why I can't save every stray cat living in the streets Mel.' Said my mother who is a cat lover.  

She has faith and trusts the cycle of life.  She has faith that the street cats were smart and cunning enough to survive in the streets.  

*I paused and said my good byes*

As usual, I sat and digested it for a while.  

If she did save every cat she saw....she would be the stereotype of the old lady and a thousand cats in her house with a funky smell which can shock your sense of smell a block away!

*I got it ma.  

Its ok for me to say NO, I got to learn I'm not superwoman.  

I must learn to have faith that life has its challenges and that the universe will do what it has to do.  If I don't help out life still goes and to just trust the  universe.  

That's the easy part.  The challenging part for me has been letting go of the guilt.  It can be heavy on my chest.  In time it gets lighter and eventually the heaviness is gone.  

*A few days ago, a stray cat was found in the parking lot.  There in a little dark corner, was a mother cat and her 2 babies. I automatically jumped to the rescue.....(We can't just do nothing!)

Without hesitation I looked for her.  As soon as I saw her I thought we have to do something. Lets take her in!

But I realized this might be a problem since our building has a strict No animal policy.  How can we take care of the cat and kittens?

Who can take care of them? Who loves cats so much that is willing to take care of them?

 *Speed Dial *mother*  Two minutes into the conversation she reminded me ...."We can't save every stray cat!"

I didn't take the white mommy cat and her 2 kittens in.  I've grudgingly accepted that they can't come home with us.  

I did the next best thing.  Leave food and water for the mother...........twice a day.

Courtesy of Freefoto.com

blog.blog

I have two blogs.  

I stopped writing for more than a year.  and i'm back :D  *doing the running man cause i got my writing groove back*

When I started again on this blog....i was thinking about the feedback from a reader/friend of mine.  Han said that my text is too small and i need more pictures.  So  1.5 years later (better late than never) I did something with his feedback so......

.....I created a new blog  lesstextmorevisuals.blogspot.com.  The URL says it all.  More pictures and less text....of the stuff I love.  

Muchas Gracias Han

P.S.  As for the small text.  I like it small.