sometimes the flood gates open and tears just flow

When was the last time I cried?

A few weeks ago when things were just overwhelming.  

Call me neurotic, but sometimes i get in a bind, flustered and frustrated I need to go to a corner and cry it all out.

I've been labeled the cry baby.  It doesn't take me much to get me to cry.  Be it a song, an-in-your-face-statement to my face or even someone's story of struggle & hardships.  So, is me being emotional cry baby a bad thing?

Its one thing to cry for attention in front of others its another thing to just release let go and realize there are tears streaming down your face.  

There are many triggers from my water works and many reasons why i cry.  

**Story**

After dedicating myself as a freelance facilitator and working my way up in a year & a half to a trainer in training.  I was at the back of the training room, having a bit of 'down time'.  My coach said to me this would be the last training for all of us.  Contract ended and that the company i freelanced for will no longer be doing these training's. 

I sat at the back of the room staring into space, letting it all sink in.  

'You mean after this we all won't be working together anymore in this type of setting?'

'No, we won't be replied my training coach.'

Reality sunk in and I cried.

I cried because I was freaking happy that I accomplished a huge goal in a year and a half.  

I cried because I was sad that we wouldn't have the intimate, fun, loving working environment ever again.

I cried because many long lasting friendships were created through the training.

I cried because 'my purpose', (in the form of work) will end.  

I cried because I worked damn hard, minimal sleep, crappy food, great team, great coaches, great training participants and great experiences shared with great friends was all ending. 

It was a painful cry.  Which lasted for a week.  

Sometimes a good cry is good.  To just let it all out.  Cause keeping it in is just too much of an effort for me.  Let the flood gates open for a while...if it means me feeling better the next morning.  After all, the sun has to come out after the rain.  

L O V E without condition - hugs

Last December I was in Melbourne.  Almost every moment possible was spent site seeing. Near a train station was this young lady with a poster 'free hugs'.  Just like the rest of the crowd, like a tourist I stood and stare and thought why would she?...

...She's so brave...

...A great idea...

...I want a hug...

...I'll give her a hug...

...She's spreading love...

...Random acts of love...

I went up to her and just gave her a hug and *after all I was a tourist* took a picture with her.

I walked away happy....never wanting to ask her why.  

Why was not important, but what was... is L O V E without condition. 

** make me wonder...when was the last time i didn't think...just gave love unconditionally to a 'stranger'?

that's the thing.  i think...that's why it stops me from showing kindness at times.  i care about how i would look and how i would be perceived.  don't ask for it, just give.  don't wait just give.  As weird and 'hippy ish' she looked at that street corner, I felt good after that.  That buzz that made me feel like skipping along to me next tourist attraction.

When was the last time you gave love for no reason but to just spread love?

Entry related to a previous post - 'Random acts of love.

Rubys' Story

I am deeply saddened and moved by Rubys' story.  A friends mother that has dedicated her life to serving others.  

Her daughter Janet, started a blog to update everyone on her mothers condition.  The following two entries are from her blog

Funeral details

MONDAY 15TH & TUESDAY 16TH JUNE, 10am - 10pm.
Come pay your last respects at 
Nirvana Memorial Centre
No. 1 Jalan 1/116A,
Off Jalan Sungai Besi
57100 Kuala Lumpur


There will be a special service at the wake on Tuesday 16th June at 8pm.

WEDNESDAY 17TH JUNE.
The church service will be conducted at mom's favourite church, the one where she got married. It's next to Dataran Merdeka, there should be ample parking in the basement car park of Dataran.

Date : Wednesday 17th June
Time : 11am
Church : St Mary's Anglican Cathedral
Jalan Raja (Dataran Merdeka)
50050 Kuala Lumpur

NO WREATHS PLEASE. Donations to the following organisations in mom's name would be greatly appreciated. Choose your favourite or let us divide it equally, it's completely up to you.
• Malaysian Red Crescent Society
• Society for the Severely Mentally Handicapped
• Hospis Malaysia
• MAKNA
• Community Support Network

Thank you all for your constant and everflowing love, support and prayers. We are very blessed to you in our lives. Deep, deep thanks from all of us.

Mom has gracefully taken the hand of God.

It was a day filled with laughter. We had said everything we needed to say to her, and we had heard her 'speak' to us as well. All was forgiven, all love was freely expressed without restraint. That was yesterday.

So today, we just sat in her room, played music and made jokes. 

I think that's why she decided that it is ok to leave us. She waited until we were ready. All of us were at home. 

When she took her last few breaths, we were all by her side. As her heart gradually stopped beating, she was surrounded by loving kisses and tender touches. She gracefully departed with angels by her side, taking the hand of God.

What a beautiful, graceful passing. She left us with one final beautiful memory. So typical of her. Every gesture is made with deep love and consideration. That's mom.

From The Star newspaper today.

Ruby Lee - Al Fatihah.

Laugh and Learn

Accompanying my sister in law with her errands, I sat at the back seat with my nephew in his safety chair next to me.  Almost 2 years old, his learning curve is accelerating by the day!

I waited in the car with him while my sister went to the bakery.  I didn't want Armand 

to fall asleep cause we had to go to my aunts house.  I found his toy and it would entertain him and keep him awake for the rest of the car trip.  

It was a toy dashboard with steering wheel indicators and side mirrors and all.  A perfect toy for Armand who loves playing with all the buttons and steering wheel.

I looked for the ON button.  I flipped it upside down and was looking for it everywhere.   After a minute i gave up and passed it to him

"I can't switch it on. but play with this Armand'.

I turned away for a second and next thing i know i heard the sound of a toy engine being switched on. 

I looked at him and he just looked at me like it was no big deal.  

"Armand how did you switch it on?!"

I looked at the toy again and realized he switched it on by turning the toy ignition key. Smart kid, he watches people drive that's how he knows how to switch it on.  

So I tested him.....or was it for him to show his aunt how to switch it on....I tu

rned the ignition key...and he just simply turned the ignition key again and the toy switched on.

I laughed at myself.....I was searching for the ON

 OFF button and my almost 2 year old nephew manage to turn it on.  

The older I get doesn't mean I know more! 

**Moral of the story.  Its not about age, Armand my 2 year old nephew has alot to teach me.**

Was looking through my pictures, this is what I found while writing this entry.  

This is Armands' ritual.  When we take him anywhere, he will insist on playing in the car for at least 10 minutes.  My dad tell us that when ever he switches on his engine everything is on, indicator lights, windshield wipers etc.....Armand was playing with his car the day before.  

When was the last time someone unexpected taught you something new?

nasi lemak bungkus

Last published - Oct 7 2007!

Yeah a long looooonnngggg loooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg time. 

Since 2007....i've been mentally blogging or my mind was too busy facing 'real life'.

After a creative night out, i felt energized again - creatively.  

Bought take away dinner at Kg Baru - N A S I   L E M A K   A N T A R A B A N G S A

After eating i noticed my banana leaf. a heart.

 Like p.coelho i too believe in omens. What does this omen mean?

**I feel like one of those people that found the silhouette of jesus on a potato chip**

I think i should just take it as it is.  Its a heart.  A reminder to always use my heart.  To always have passion in everything i do.

I will write more.  maybe not as intense all the time.  more pictures.

own quiet moment

I think the best way to understand someone is to understand yourself. Better if that someone leaves you alone, for your own quiet moment.. to think things through… if you don’t know who you are.. how would you go to know others… you don’t understand yourself… you wouldn’t understand others…

Paolo Coelho - By the River Pierda I sat down and wept

By the River Pierda I sat down and wept....this is the oddest title for a book I ever came across...however the most real and honest love story of paolo's. I am not a fan of loves stories...but this is the first one i read that hit a nerve.

If I can't experience positive emotions on my own such as bliss, then how am i able to create it with someone else on my life.

If i can't face the negative emotions on my own, then how am I going to persevere on my own when shit hits the fan of 'life

*thinking*

For my relationships (with God, with the universe, my family and friends and nature) to improve....i must first be in a relationship with my self and be honest - its like me standing in front of a huge mirror being butt naked and see me as it really is....in a out.

Everything starts from within.....and taking a look at whats within

*Painting by Gustav Klimt*

what do i really mean when I say....

My artsy friend and I were having a discussion. About subtext...what do we really mean when we say something and what is it that we want to say......i thought this as a hilarious concept...what if everyone in the world said what they really mean.....


a: 'hey', giving a smile i am saying hello

b: 'Oh.....Hey', returning the polite gesture with a fake smile i will play with this useless social game of saying hello just to not appear rude, but really this conversation has no great significance to me and neither do you cause your a hi-bye friend.

a: "how are you?" trying to make conversation and sounding interested

b: "umm....good" i'm trying not to appear rude and will continue with this conversation even though i'm giving the clear signals for you to go away.

a: "hey give me your number, i'll call you esok and we'll do something k" i don't want to appear that i really don;t care about you so to appear interested I shall make a lame attempt at getting your number which will only take up space in my phone book

b: "Yeah sure, 012345678" please, i gave you my number a few times before this and i shall not hold my breath waiting for you to call....


This 'HI AND BYE CONVERSATION OF NO GREAT SIGNIFICANCE" is what i see alot of the time in KL, and I myself admit that i have had this conversation way to many times.


So this conversation of "Hi...how have you been? What you doing now? hey pass me ure number, we should hang out...i'll call you!" Really means " Hey, as to not appear rude and stuck up, i'm just going to make meaningless conversation with you and act like i genuinely care about whats going on in your life".

Honestly i would much rather have the
'Hey'
'Hey'

And that's the end of that conversation. Just acknowledge the other person, give a compliment if its sincere and real....and that's it.


As much as i can preach that honesty is the best policy and that i'm a direct person that speaks her mind....it all at times can be bullshit.

*thinking

How often do i sugarcoat what i want to say? and most importantly WHY?
why do we/ I speak this language....of half truths...


*thinking

Fear - fear of the judgments, consequences, not knowing what will happen if i said the honest truth, mistakes

So the 'hey, how are you'
can possible mean
"i don't care about you, i'm just appearing nice"
or
in the other extreme "hey, your really hot, can i have you now?"


so what if we really did live our lives like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar?