My life now is going thorough a state of calmness and willingness for change. Usually when I go through this phase of my life, internally and externally I go through a spring cleaning session.
I finally faced my fear and cleaned my entire room. In 1999, when the house was ready my stuff from Peru arrived. I was such a rat pack in Peru, kept everything..even sentimental receipts. So I faced it all head on.
I shredded all the unwanted documents, let go of my old crap and old clothes. That was step one….step two was to attack my cupboards…when clearing my room…I realized that I had so much space…….what’s worse is that for 8 years I’ve been storing unnecessary stuff from my past. Like things that were once sentimental…is no longer…Like what I am going through now. With so much space in my room….and in my life…..I can now make room for new things…and for a minute enjoy the space and the emptiness…
My spring cleaning process is still in the ‘process’….I rediscovered old report cards and awards…I never saw writing as something I love doing…till I started blogging……I found a award from the 5th grade for story writing…and my my kindergarten report card my teacher said that I very much loved to tell stories. I find writing therapeutic….almost like an automatic. I have stacks of notebooks and sketch books which I used as what everyone else would call them ‘diaries’..I found love letters and entries which were 5 pages long. I have definitely evolved through the years…..one thing remains constant….I found myself authentic and very expressive of my emotions when I write…and when I wrote…..most of my entries were never about what I did…it was always what I felt.
So amidst all the clutter……I just had to stop…..and sit down and read my old high school notes…my entries….and just reminisce on my past. I had totally forgot about my notebooks….and was appreciative that I rediscovered them. I allowed myself to ‘experience my past’…..but not for long….I put all of it in a box and tucked it away.
Makes me question..why was I so afraid of cleaning my room? Was it cause I was afraid to go through the hassle and face the fear of letting go? Was I living in the past? Was I holding on to uneccesary things that is holding me back now? This physical act of cleaning is very much replective of what my sould is going through. Yeah Its always easy to avoid…but avoiding to me was if not more stressful and painful and tiring than just facing it. Cleaning parts of my room which was untouched for so many years wasn’t that bad, it was therapeutic and I’m damn proud of myself (cause I’m such a rat pack)….
Its like the band aid theory….just rip it off…..it wont hurt as bad as I thought…and after the intil pain and shock…I’m over it……I’m happy I cleaned my room…..cause I found old notes from my best friend….made me wonder what is going on with her..made me appreciate her sincerely again..and how our friendship has evolved from adolescence to adulthood.
I guess for anyone to move on in their lives, they must first let go of the past (even if its positive or negative ) so that new and better things can enter their lives. Be it new relationships…with God, friends, family and the universe….or a new job,..or a new phase in their lives like taking responsibility and ownership of their lives, or starting a family.
I packed all my diaries and stored it away….got rid of ½ of my documents….and began a new phase of my life called….”living in the now and accepting come-what-may”…
picture from freedigitalphotos.net
