clothes vs nudity

And the weaver said, speak to us of Clothes.
And he answered?:

Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful. And though you seen in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain.
And forget not that the earth delights to feel your fare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet' - On Clothes

So I can wear all the 'fabucci' (fabulous Gucci) in the world to mask my insecurities and to brain wash my mind thinking the more money I spend on clothes to make my 'image' appealing......they do not hide the unbeautiful side of me, my mind and my soul.

I think that a person is the most beautiful nude. This concept can either be the most liberating or the most vulnerable for a person. The beauty of a human figure - is what I appreciate cause i believe it it the true essence of the person....nothing to hide behind....just that person and the world. After all we are all born butt naked and when we pass on to 'a different world'....it is our flesh that will become one with the earth. Our naked body is the containter of our souls not our clothes.

I don't think that the world should be a massive nudist colony..I think that nudity and a persons comfort with their own flesh (regardless of its God given imperfections)....is really important.

Since I started creating art I thought the human figure and portraying it in its truest forms fascinating. From drawing anorexic, skinney figures (during my rebellious depressive state of mind) to drawing fat healthy pregnant women (during my sane and happy mental state) I have loved the human figure.

I love the fact that my body does have its imperfections. That I have a pear shaped body and at times I wished my chest size was bigger. And I do have a birthmark of all places...God decided to put it on the tip of my nose. Thank God its not really dark and ugly. Being naked is vulnerable at first....and it gets liberating......its like I'm telling the world..this is me and there is no way I can hide....so just 'take it or leave it' mentality.

Back in my uni days we had a photography project and part of the assignment was to take a portrait picture in black and white. I clearly remember it like yesterday. We made our own make shit studio where it was in the hallway of my house...we wanted a certain look and I knew what concept we should do..so I became the 'subject' matter. We wanted something different....so i remember i wore a sheer cloth tied it around my chest to make it look i was nude. To add to the effect I put baby oil all over my arms so that when we misted water it wasn't absorbed into my skin. The lighting was great and the pictures turned out great.....while we were shooting my brother walks out of his room...looks at me posing and the rest of the team taking pictures and holding lighting...and me appreaing to be 1/2 naked...he just closed the door in disbelief....he called it my porn photo session. I thought it was art.

I grew up as a child surrounded by beatiful art works......1 in particular...a woman wearing a sarong with a see through top...and I still think that its the most beautiful piece of art work my parents owned. Cause with her being somewhat nude....I could see past that and see the true essence of the painting.

There is smut porno art....and there's art...nudity with taste. I love Gustav Klimt's work..thought his sketches of women is provocative....it capures the essence of a womans figure and captures her sexuality of being comfortable in her own skin.

Nudity...is such a taboo. Why I wonder...cause a naked figure somehoe leads to sex and all the things related to sex. For me..nudity..and the thought of it...leads to looking beyond that...and looking into the soul.

Like the birthmark on my nose.....I can tell so many stories about it.

Some poeple meet me and directly ask whats that on my nose...then after a while.....they don't look on the borwn spot......the look at me...they see inside me...(what they think of me that's a whole different issue). Somepeople don't notice it either they're really not looking at me...or they just see past it and see the essence of me.

And then there are those that are around me for the longest times.....and out of the blue they ask..what's that on your nose? I can't help but laugh...

I believe....that you can put a barbie doll looking naked chick....and a big size round chick in front of me...which is most beautiful.I wouldn't base it on the one that fits 'society's isdea of what is a beautiful figure'...oon on the fact that the naked woman knows she looks good.......I would base it on the one that is proud of being in her own skin and exudes a proud sensuality of her feminin side. Like Khalil Gibran poetically wrote....it hides so much beauty....yet it doesn't hide the not so beautiful...

Art works by Gustav Klimt

when you just know and don't know how to explain knowing......

Have you ever had that feeling where you just know....call it whatever it is you call it....its really unexplainable...

The best way I can describe it is like a gut feeling, an intuition, sort of a comforting feeling at the same time exciting......like when you feel something is right and your friends ask you - "How do you know?" you reply..."Cause I just know..." and you tell yourself....I can't define what it is...but the feeling is good and I just know.

Now this may apply to finding your significant other and you "just know that its the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with".....or even someone you met for a just 10 minutes and you "just know" you're going to be best friend with that person.....or you apply for a job and "you just know" that its the perfect job for you...

The other day my best friend in Canada messaged me and she said she thought of me the other day, she was having a conversation with a friend. She talked about how, I "get her" and she doesn't have to explain. Dre....is my soulmate. My belief is that anyone can be my soulmate....I don't have he belief that the soul mate is a term exclusively for my other half.

I believe that I have 3 soulmates. Why are they my soulmate......this may sound so mumbo jumbo....they are my soulmates because when I met them, and experienced them "BEING THEM", i "just knew" that somehow in this universe our souls are intertwined and our auras just complimented each other.

Dre...she's my soulmate...like me, she too is a Pisces which makes our connection stronger. I can't really describe the friendship we have....I just feel it and know we're connected...even though I've known her since 96 and have not seen her in about 8 years....we're still connected somehow. Someone asked me how do you know she's your soulmate....and i replied with the unexplainable "i just know"

Its a comforting feeling especially when shit hits the fan in life...i can always connect somehow with my soulmates....Dre, Blur and my mother. All 3 relationships very different and dynamic in its own way.But when I'm with them and in their space....I can feel them and if I'm feeling a certain way...I don't have to say much....they "just get it"..

This connection which can't be described or defined in words, I have had a few times. One was knowing my soulmates which happened in an instant. Another time when I realized what to do with my life.

After 4 years of an advertising degree...never once used once I graduated....1/2 way through my degree...I just knew I didn't want to do advertising...I knew that wasn't my purpose...what was my purpose at that time I would always come to a blank...but this gut feeling told me..."Don't waste your time convincing people to buy shit".....After job hopping....never has a job lasted a year....switching industries...(all this in a span of 2 1/2 years)...i realized what I wanted to do with my life....I discovered my purpose. My wise 'guru' which I rarely turn to...he shared with me his opinions and views of where he sees me work wise.....It was painful to hear. Cause it meant I had to let go of the security of a mundane job with money coming in and venture in a totally different field. It was scary, nerve wrecking at the same time I realized that I had to let go of all that....and follow that "indescribable feeling" of where to go next in my life work wise.

Or when I know something bad is going to happen. My grandmother (God Bless her Soul)...was critically ill for about a week before she passed on at the ripe old age of 92. She fell sick a week before Hari Raya (Eid).....I was worried cause after raya i was to be away for about 4 weeks freelancing . And I knew if I went for my job it would be difficult for me to 'balik kampong (my grandmas village) for her funeral. My mother told me that her condition was getting worse and that its critical. As much as it saddens me to loose my grandmother, I accept that its all a part of life.....I'd rather her be at peace than suffering not being able to get up and eat. Deep down, I knew that she was to pass on before I left for my freelance work. She passed away 2 days she of Hari Raya.

Some people are more intuned with "just know" undefined feeling. To the point where they can predict things...not like a psychic.....My mother has a gift of "just knowing". She knows when something bad is going to happen of when 'something significant' will happen. When living in Peru, my parents came back to KL...so like any teenager with the freedom of a humongous house would do...I threw a party....where everything that isn;t good for me to consume was abundant....and word spread so I can even remember who showed up to the house. I stayed up till the next day...picking up trash and any traces 'of evidence' that there was a party....maybe i shouldn't have had the party the day before they were to come back home. My mother came home....took one step in the compound and 'she knew'...and boy did she let it rip when confronting me. Maybe cause she's a mother and has this extra intuition when they know their kids are up to no good.

I noticed that some people always wants things defined. They can't stand it when they can't be okay with not knowing, like for example...when they meet someone and realize that this person is special to them...and they disastrously want to define the relationship with the "are we just friends or more than that..are we gf & bf?" Now if the other party is not ready....its just a warning sign and could possibly 'ruin things between you two'.

I have come to accept that not everything can be defined. And by me wanting to define things and make it fit into something comprehendable is just wont do 'it' justice. I do have moments where I fight that 'feeling' and want to define it....so that it fits....like that kids toy...where there's all sorts of shapes...like a triangle, square and circle...and the kids have the colorful blocks and they have to match up the shapes. Sometimes I fight that feeling....by taking some odd shape and trying to fit it in to 'society's accepted square". Not everything can be defined....and I'm getting used to being okay with that...and just 'feel it and know that its right for me'.....

Freedigitalphotos.net

Creativity - Should ART be perfect? Is there a right or wrong in art...

Today at work there was a birthday party. Since it was my first arts and craft birthday party for kids my boss let me take charge. So I did an introduction of what we were to do....the kids had to paint on a ceramic cup. So I told them you can draw anything you want, their family, their face their pets anything. And if they had no idea we had stencils that could help them. So after they traced / drew on their mugs it was time to paint.

The ration of maids to kids was like 1 : 2.5 ...which made my job alot easier.

So as they painted I noticed the parents getting excited....their kids had the opportunity to explore their creativity...learn that in art there is no right or wrong...just the desire to be free and be creative and explore on that.

I noticed some parents were so fixed on their kids painting inside the lines.....indirectly i saw it there is a right way to be creative in art......there are guidelines......then one parent asked me can she paint here...pointing to a blank white space on the mug....i replied "of course this is theirs they can paint and do whatever they want"...

I saw that the parents wanted their kids to paint on the mugs perfectly, inside the lines...with pretty colors....to the point of controlling which color to use rather than encouraging to freely 'just paint'...

This isn't a bitching session of controlling parents...but the question I wanted to explore was....is there a right or wrong to art.

Having a fine arts background....my answer is a firm NO. My belief (you may agree or disagree the point here it so see it from my perspective)....my belief is that it is when the children are young that creativity should be encouraged...i feel that if kids are encouraged to be creative it will make problem solving when they are adults alot easier.

I felt this sad feeling in my heart when i saw parents telling kids what to do...to the point of taking the brush out of their hands and them end up painting the mug. One parent would stand right by her daughter and tell her no you should paint it like this......

In art I hate that word SHOULD......with children i prefer the words such as TRY THIS...or WHAT IF YOU DID THIS...

Out of the bunch of 20....3 showed talent. What do I base this on....nothing about if the mug they painted was 'beautiful in my eyes'....but its based on their patience, their attention to detail and their enthusiasm to carefully think of what to paint what to draw.....the beginnings of taking ownership of their creative art works....

One girl in particular....her mother confessed to me that I have no patience for detail.....these little little things i just can't do them....unlike her daughter that took the longest to paint her mug while others went of playing and eating. She wasn't phased by the fact she and I were alone in the play area.....she took such great pride in her mug..which she was so focused on painting.....getting the dots right, getting the color right, the look that SHE WANTED. To her what she wanted was right in her eyes.

What better than a momento....totally created by your child...which you can appreciate 10 years later...no matter how 'horrid it look to the adults eyes'.....a creative creation of your child and how they were at that particular age.

I don't really blame or bitch at the parents. After all I know where they are coming from. They want their kids to get things 'right', to do the best and be the best....at what expense? Telling the kids of how art should look like...was like imposing creativity has a right or wrong...so before you attempt to do anything make sure its right and looks good......to the parents eyes. After all I've been in the kids shoes....I clearly remember my mother doing some of my projects, and it was always the best (my mother herself is a self fought artist).....my mother had such an attention to detail..even I was surprised...So when it was time to do these projects...I told her my idea..she would come up with a plan and we would work on it together. Yes my mother is a controlling woman....its not perfect unless its done by her extremely high standards. Sometimes I would cry cause she pressured me to get it perfect.


I remember living overseas, the mothers got together and thought it would be fun if the kids did a talent show. I obviously would take part , since mother dearest was the VP of the womens society. So i said to my mother I want to be like a genie and hareem girl....So off my mother went sewing (yeah she sews too).....an outfit which in my eyes was gorgeous. The outfit was just the tip of the ice berg. Now came to the practicing my dance....she had the music ready and the choreography. I remember she would make me wear the beautiful yet very itchy hareen /belly dancing costume...and made me practice and practice over and over and over and over...till it felt like torture.....I tried to hide my tears and frustration after an hour...and with her you just don't cry......and she creamed at me and threatened me if my tears still did flow out of my eyes....

Me and my mom can laugh about it now.....cause she did realize she did take it to the point of Nazi - ish.....but regardless....she always encourage my artistic side....since small i can remember being in her art room while she did what ever fine art or crafts...and she always encourage me....after a while...she did give me the freedom I wanted in art....and she encouraged me to be free......it wsa then my natural passion of the arts grew. Theatre and fine arts was always my strongest skills...

I grew up with the mentality there was no right or wrong with art. And we had so many paintings at home that since I could remember art was 2nd nature at home. There were naif paintings, landscapes of all mediums....Every country that we moved to we hae a huge collections of art works from that region. My favorite is this beautiful painting of a woman with a sheer top can see her plump bosoms to die for......

In high school I ended up doing IB art....and the freedom to created pieces that I wanted.....about 90% had to do with the human figure....so there I was in peru.....drawing nudes of women, when i was depressed and going through alot of emotional 'crap' my paintings were of skinny naked women....can see their rib bones and all...and i got through that and my life was better....i started painting fat naked pregnant women.....So during the school art exhibition......i remember my moms friends being all shocked at the amount of in your face raw paintings of the naked human figure.....my parents just supported me...they were not at all shocked when my sketch book was filled with naked figures, private parts in no way censored.

All this flashback.....now to the point....yeah i must tell a huge log story before I get to the point....from my experience....art at a young age should be freely encouraged if that's what the child is interested in....if they show potential....encourage it...let the child expereince the passion gorwing within them....let them freely explore that creativity.....its only 10 to 15 years later the parents will see the results....

this is the frustration I experience....parents pay a money for their kids to go to some art place...and they expect results...they want to see that pretty painting on the canvas 3 sessions later...when really the real results will be produced much much later in life....cause it is at this stage (early childhood) that the desire the freedom to creativly explore is instilled and in due time the passion within will just exude out of them.

I salute all parents regardless if they are the ones standing next to their child telling them what to do....or the ones that allows their child to just express themselves....cause now at the age of 26 and many conversations with my mother...i realize...being a parent...is just not easy...

I was telling my mother...if my children (yeah i want more than 1...so its not child)....want to color outside of the box..the only things i will question is ' with what color?'

Next to the first painting I clearly remember creating - 5 years old, Canberra, Australia
My love for theatre started quite young. It was the birth of 'loving the attention being extroverted' 5 Years old, Canberra Australia.
Me and mother dearest (the very loving / controllng one as previously mentioned..God Bless Her). In her art room me being a busy body. 8 years old Kuwait City, Kuwait.

'The Rules of Life' - Rule 85

Rule 85

'The Rules of Life' - Richard Templar, isn't a book which i read front to back. Its one of those that I keep on my bedside table (the floor) and read before I go to sleep or take a nap. He has a few other books Rules of Management & Rules of Work . 

For the longest time was eyeing this book...would go to borders and read a few rules. SOMETIMES I would practice multiple rules from the book.....there are days when I don't practice it at all....

Why do I love his writing? Its simple....nothing complex in alien language. His rules aren't pure genius....that's cause the 100 rules in his book are not original....in one form or another I have heard them from someone or some other books. 

His simple language and a collection of 100 rules and how he elaborates on them...that's what I like. Reading his 'stuff' I don't feel like throwing myself off of a bridge or sitting at home analyzing and dissecting his mind f*%king work (like A road less travelled).....how can I put this.....reading his 'stuff' leaves me content...motivated in some way....

Rule 85 - Hang out with positive people

Got me thinking....everyone that I hang with are they positive....or maybe they were 'ok' and I didn't like myself around them. In my life I go through these phases.....where I take out the trash. Few years ago, with my unpredictable temperament, my loud mouth ways and in 'yo face' bluntness, my life o' meter...was very up down extreme...i was the minority of such an extreme way to communicate while my friends were on the 'safe mode of communication'....me and my friends were talking in different languages each so rightious and stubborn...meeting in the middle was rare...

so this brought up alot of frustration, angst, anger and unresolved issues.....so i did some 'spring cleaning' and hung out with other people.

Got me wondering.....these people that I disconnected myself with 'spring cleaning' - were they not positive? Or was I just such a controlling, demanding, self rightious bitch that was just never satisfied with anything? Both are true...

They were great people....and I made that conscious choice to part ways....It wasn't about positivity - it was about the bubble they lived in...their controlled life living the fake image...the lack of authenticity....all these characteristics which i didn't see a positive influence in my life. Though I was such a preacher of being real and supported "individual-ism"...i realized being with these people was going against what I believed in. I was becomming one of them...where we were viewed as a whole rather than groups of individuals. With a big slap on my face I then realized...shit...i'm morphing into a person which i dispised being.....thinking I was being real...i was being real fake in the end....


So hence the spring cleaning......which was so liberating. I was more than happy to relinquish the title I was holding to finally had space to breathe. In my heart I wished them the best and said you leave me alone I leave you alone.

*The following is all purely based on my experiences and myfirst hand JUDGEMENTS of what I see, hear, do, feel and experience*

How many people that I encounter living in KL really do surround themselves with positive people. Constantly I see the 'fabucci' (fabulous gucci) girls (i only use the label ladies and women for dignified females with brains)....with their little possee.....these chicks cant survive alone.....God Forbid they go shopping or to any social event alone! These chicks are always in flocks....with their click clack heels and all accesorized......at one point in my life I wanted to be one of them....then I faced reality....I can't walk in heels. Now...what positivity do these not-authentic-image-driven-chickies give each other.....

a safe zone, where they will be accepted as the queen bees of the 'social society' (each other) - a safe zone where they will be accepted amongst their 'peers ......so there is positivity...she gets what she wants obviously to be part of a group where she is accepted...they feel safe in their little bubble world with the safe friends....it brings her comfort.

..at a very huge price of course....we all know the prices..the usual must keep up with the latest trends, constantly seeking approval and always caring about what is preceived of them....etc etc etc......This breed of fabucci...is quite abundant in kl....can always be seen in the VIP line or as an accesory to some blue blood aristobrats' kid...now this is another judgement that I am going to share....8 out of 10 times in my encounters..these chicks are the most promiscuous and the most messed up in the head suffering from some kind of self worth issues hence the promiscuity....easy / free sex does not get you that man who will guide and protect and love you!

*judgements / venting / bitching session over*

In the book Emotional Intelligence - I recently read that emotions are contagious (like yawning) and that subconsciously we will absorb 'whatever' energy that is around us...

Quite true.....back when 'before' (there are 2 phases in my life, before 'the bitchy side controlled me'...and after 'i control the bitchy side')...if i was in a real pissy mood at someone or something.....i made sure the whole world was in a pissy mood too...and alot of people did absorb my neagitivity...It didn't help the fact that I had such a domneering personality. And if I was in love or happy or intoxicated....people liked to be around me cause i was chirpy and I saw the world like a bed of roses .........and people liked me alot more then cause they didn't have to be overly cautious around me

So really....these people I mentioned earlier, the ones I got rid of during my 'spring cleaning' session. Was it I breaking away from them to seek positive people to surround myself with or was it me the negative one that saw how i brought these people and myself down being with them so i just walked away?

I think it was both. I didn't like them or / and how i was negative around them and i didn't like myself around them....so I cleaned them out. They are not bad / shallow peolpe.....they are just simply put...people....
'these particualar people' + me = not a good combination
so maybe it wasn't that they were negative......maybe it was the fact i had negative judgements so my views about them was always filtered through that...so everything from that relationship was always shit.

I was (WAS being a very important key word right now) one of the bad apples that small little cancerous negativity....not being happy with the situation 'i did what i had to do'...and found me a few random positive authentic people to all alot of sugar, spice, simplicity and excitement' into my life. After so many 'trials and errors'....personally when they're not authentic.....they're not positive.

The Alchemist - d e s t i n y

One of the most amazing authors I have discovered along with a million other people is Paolo Coelho. Wanting to write a book critique on 'The Achemist' - I found it overwhelming..where do I begin? It would take forever to write one.

Do i write about the characters Santiago encounters during his journey, the Englishman, the merchants daughter, the crystal merchant, the king, the alchemist, the robbers, Fatima.....

Or do I start of with the concepts in the book, 'maktub', alchemy, language of the universe, the tresure, the omens, the simum...

Or with the not so obvious yet significant 'things' like the book he has attempted to read but can never finish reading, or Urim and Thummim, the desert, the hawks...

Overwhelming....cause the list of topics to write about are endless...

Reading 'The Alchemist' excites me cause every time i read it I discover a new passage or a sentence which didn't make sense before make perfect sense to me now......So I underline (in pencil of course) the paragraphs or phrases that just stand out.....

A topic which pops up early in the book is the question of destiny. Is it Santiago's destiny to fid the treasure or to just continue to be a shepherd?

Got me thinking...

Do I believe in fate? - Not really...
Do I believe in destiny? Yes....HOWEVER....I do believe I can control my destiny. *my 2 cents input* I can sit around and wait for my destiny to happen and be served to me on a silver platter (very unlikely) or I can work my ass off and make my destiny come true.

"It's a book that says the same thing almost all the other books in the world say." continued the old man. "It describes people's winability to choose their own destinies. And it ends up saying that everyones believes the world's greatest lie."

"What;s the world's gretest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised.

"It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose contro of what's happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

The boy didn't know what a person's "destiny" was.

"It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young knows what their destiny is.

"At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny."

So if I belive in destiny - who decides what my destiny is?
Other people?
My parents?
Me?

Other people.....now that would mean I care about how I am perceived in society and I let that control me...cause I care too much about what others think of me and seek their approval so I live life with this facade....to me this is the scarriest thought...other people choose my destiny.

My parents...hahahahahaha...I can only imagine and laugh about it....what my parents want me to me...deciding my destiny....they have never decided what my destiny should be......in the past they have hinted what they wanted me to do in life, career wise, relationship wise.........to this day I will never forget the day I told my mother I wanted to go to art school....and I clearly remember her telling me 'No, I wont allow it'...ironic...it wasn't my fear to be an artist but her fear for me that stopped me.

Me.....yes I do believe I decide me destiny, however I also believe society and my parents also have an indirect say in this. It was the cociety I lived in at that time, how my parents raised me, the 'belief's that instilled in my and myself that creates my destiny.

Its my heart........as cheesy and corney as that sounds...for me this is true. Its my heart that tells me my destiny. *Another 2 cents of my thoughts about this*. I believe that if I want to fulfill one of my destiny and it comes from a positive place with no malice towards others and its a pure intention .....the whole world consipres and helps me a achieve it.

"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."


"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point which, as we say in the language of the desert, one'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.'

"Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severly tested." - Its said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.



"That's the principle that governs al things," he said. "In alchemy, it's called the Soul of the World. When you want something with all your heart, that's when you are closest to the Soul of the World. It's always a positive force."


On my jouney to fulfilling my destiny......I have at times felt like I have gone through the depths of hell and back. Career wise for example, many times I have wished that the 'Soul of the world', did test me and did kill my heart...thus ending my journey towards my destiny. An easy way out, a way to quit so i can just follow the drift of Malaysian society of being complacent, surviving off of paycheck to paycheck where the work isn't hard...but easy enough.

I can always make that conscious choice of telling myself my destiny is to be a customer service consultant where I answer phone calls and have an easy job that pays me $2,500 a month and that's it. I think after 3 months I would either choke myself to death with the phone wires or bite my wrists to stop the mundane insanity. I can always that the easy way out and not fulfill the destiny my heart tells me. Why is it that people fall into this trap of 'just surviving life' and not willing to go further, and really listen to their hearts cause I know and everyone else knows tha they are better than that? If i don't use my heart ......then I would just be a lifeless person in this world that is just 'doing' rather than living.


Its the 4 letter F word, which we deny exists.....but half of the time we experience it. FEAR.

"Don't give in to your fears," said the alchemist, in a stragely gentle voice. "If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."

I will be the first to admit that the dreaded F word has brought me down. Its always the fear of something.

The fear that I will fail
Th fear of looking like an ass when I do fail and everyone around me, lecturing and bitching with an I told you so attitude
Fear of the unknown.....I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
Fear of taking risks
Fear of what other people might think of me...if I fail
The fear of screwing everything up and bringing other people down with me

This fear is like cancer. It starts of small and it just grows bigger and eats up everything else...fear eats up self worth, self confidence, motivation, security.....etc.etc.etc....And in the end....I would just be in a vegetative state of nothingness ....


Sometimes I let fear get the best of me....I stop listening to me heart about my destiny and fear acts as a distraction to pursuing it.....like in a magicians act...where there's a cloud of smoke and its purely use to divert the audiences attention else where. This is where I use fear as an excuse to not listen to my heart and just stop in my tracks and go no where. As my heart screams louder and louder when I don't do anything....this is where the consumption of alcohol is increased...followed by an increase of food intake. For some avoiding their desiny due to fear, is masked with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, endless senseless partying, etc etc etc etc etc.......

*thinking for a while*
my heart that tells me what my destiny is. What does my destiny look like .......what is it exactly.....?

*thinking......

I really don't know what it would look like, but I go on a hunch a gut feeling if i'm in the right direction.

*thinking.....& rereading



so there you have it....a total of my 4 cents worth of input.
mel *r