own quiet moment

I think the best way to understand someone is to understand yourself. Better if that someone leaves you alone, for your own quiet moment.. to think things through… if you don’t know who you are.. how would you go to know others… you don’t understand yourself… you wouldn’t understand others…

Paolo Coelho - By the River Pierda I sat down and wept

By the River Pierda I sat down and wept....this is the oddest title for a book I ever came across...however the most real and honest love story of paolo's. I am not a fan of loves stories...but this is the first one i read that hit a nerve.

If I can't experience positive emotions on my own such as bliss, then how am i able to create it with someone else on my life.

If i can't face the negative emotions on my own, then how am I going to persevere on my own when shit hits the fan of 'life

*thinking*

For my relationships (with God, with the universe, my family and friends and nature) to improve....i must first be in a relationship with my self and be honest - its like me standing in front of a huge mirror being butt naked and see me as it really is....in a out.

Everything starts from within.....and taking a look at whats within

*Painting by Gustav Klimt*

what do i really mean when I say....

My artsy friend and I were having a discussion. About subtext...what do we really mean when we say something and what is it that we want to say......i thought this as a hilarious concept...what if everyone in the world said what they really mean.....


a: 'hey', giving a smile i am saying hello

b: 'Oh.....Hey', returning the polite gesture with a fake smile i will play with this useless social game of saying hello just to not appear rude, but really this conversation has no great significance to me and neither do you cause your a hi-bye friend.

a: "how are you?" trying to make conversation and sounding interested

b: "umm....good" i'm trying not to appear rude and will continue with this conversation even though i'm giving the clear signals for you to go away.

a: "hey give me your number, i'll call you esok and we'll do something k" i don't want to appear that i really don;t care about you so to appear interested I shall make a lame attempt at getting your number which will only take up space in my phone book

b: "Yeah sure, 012345678" please, i gave you my number a few times before this and i shall not hold my breath waiting for you to call....


This 'HI AND BYE CONVERSATION OF NO GREAT SIGNIFICANCE" is what i see alot of the time in KL, and I myself admit that i have had this conversation way to many times.


So this conversation of "Hi...how have you been? What you doing now? hey pass me ure number, we should hang out...i'll call you!" Really means " Hey, as to not appear rude and stuck up, i'm just going to make meaningless conversation with you and act like i genuinely care about whats going on in your life".

Honestly i would much rather have the
'Hey'
'Hey'

And that's the end of that conversation. Just acknowledge the other person, give a compliment if its sincere and real....and that's it.


As much as i can preach that honesty is the best policy and that i'm a direct person that speaks her mind....it all at times can be bullshit.

*thinking

How often do i sugarcoat what i want to say? and most importantly WHY?
why do we/ I speak this language....of half truths...


*thinking

Fear - fear of the judgments, consequences, not knowing what will happen if i said the honest truth, mistakes

So the 'hey, how are you'
can possible mean
"i don't care about you, i'm just appearing nice"
or
in the other extreme "hey, your really hot, can i have you now?"


so what if we really did live our lives like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar?

'it takes a character to build characters'

'highlight' of my day......

something different

an excerpt from my sketch book ' of thoughts and images of my (sub)conscious mind'



you are my minds' adventure
your words
your being makes me seek deeper in my complex thoughts

your mind makes me filter my thoughts...getting rid of the superficiality
your words
your being is my muse

your mind brings me delight
your words
your being brings me in a state of wild abandon where i give myself completely to the world and i experience living to its peak

your mind makes me feel lucky
your words
your being makes me feel that I'm in a state of abundance, where what i source for is given to me freely from the universe

your mind makes me feel alive again
your words
your being has awaken my senses, my desires to freely express myself

Random Acts of LOVE.....

Recently, I was compelled to compliment an acquaintance on his amazing works of art. Why i did this? Cause I felt that I just couldn't not let him know how I felt about it.....and I believe all artists in their own right deserves open acknowledgment, appreciation and feedback.

I was looking for an appropriate word to express how i felt about his masterpieces, was looking for a word that described the emotion that i was feeling.....and the only word was L O V E

I find it perplexing why using this word is shunned upon...and why is giving a compliment and using this word so difficult for so many.

I've been brainwashed...made to suppress emotions, feelings....only to express myself in the 'safe zone'. Not too much (till the point of getting noticed) and not too little (so that i don't end up a wallpaper). As corney as it sounds like that BEP song..where is the love?

I read the newspapers....and there's always news of random acts of violence.....what about RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS? After all my belief that the root of random acts of kindness is L O V E. Why isn't that stressed upon?

What happened to compliments are given freely and the word love is used without shame or embarrassment.


Practice random acts of kindness......be it in a form of a compliment, picking up trash, recycling, or helping someone cross the street......practice the verb 'to love'

The love is here, there and everywhere....and love comes in many different shapes and forms...and a 'thing', and a 'doing'...and a 'being'.....as an emotion and state of mind.




So in the end.....I told this acquaintance......I love his work. As complex as it was in my mind.....using the word love made it alot easier to explain.

Art by Hugh MacLeod.  

quality vs. quantity - stop and smell the roses

After 12 days working my booty off in Sandakan was ready to just cancel my trip to Kota Kinabalu to I can come back to the peninsular, Kuala Lumpur and just sleep and rest in the comfort of my own home.

After an acquaintance convinced me to stay in KK, I stayed.

I loved my trip, love the city and the people

The unexpected highlight of my trip.
Falling in love with the people there. Its the people that make a place special...the ambience, the vibes people give out in a place that makes it cozy or relaxing. I loved that few days cause the people were so 'chilled out'.

I'm WAS one of those that went on vacation and was so obsessed over documenting it, with at least 3 cameras sometimes 5, a digital, my B&W SLR, and the few lomos. I was so tired from walking around in the market in KK town that i decided to just go to the back and just park my ass there. Then IT hit me.....*this is there that light bulb above my head suddenly lights up* It was such a great somewhat liberating feeling. I was always so caught up with taking pictures to capture the so called 'moment'...however I was never 'in the moment'. I was the type that hardly stopped and smelled the 'roses' when on vacation. The last time was my trip to Bali with the parentals.



I enjoyed just sitting there taking pictures with only my phone camera....of random kids and people and I thought to myself...how long has it been that i truly was relaxed on vacation and just chilled and soaked everything in?.....the answer to that was HARDLY EVER ...its been too long....was very happy my friend convinced me to stay

*thinking*

So what can i get out of this trip and apply it to my life. I realize that its not the amount of relationships (be it with God, family, friends, the universe, nature etc) but the quality of it. Which got me thinking....how much time and effort do i really invest in my relationships so that its an amazing, positive fun one?

Yes yes...I've heard the quotation an million and 1 times "quality not quantity".....now that i have experienced it....i get it. With my hectic life of 18 years, moving around the world, with so many experiences....what is it that i crave and look for? (I ask this way to intense question to myself all the time)



Though my thoughts are complex...I crave for the simplicity in life (and the way i live my life) and the simplicity in my relationships with God, the universe, nature, my nation, the world, con mi familia y mis amigos....and most importantly with myself.

Little Bundle of Joy - Armand

A long while back...a friend of mine gave me feedback about my blog

its intense
the letters are too small
and need more pictures

so i shall put up a picture of a person in my life which brings utter joy to the family

Armand L.S.
17-6-2007

Currently at 6 kg...this 'montel' bundle of joy posing with his first 'cow' teddy stuffed animal which his uber cool aunt gave him. He's the first new male addition of the 3rd generation of the family......first grandson lah.

At 3 months he is at that phase where he's making baby noises and his eyes can start to focus. And when we talk to him he starts smiling and laughing.

How my heart melted when i was away for just 2 weeks for work...and come back to a bigger and noisier Armand. I have given this multiracial nephew of mine...3 names

Chinese - pronounced ah man
Malay - ar man
Spanish name - ar mando

So as he grows older to a legal age.....

i auntie Mel......will introduce him to the world of piercings.
In the mean time.....when he's old enough..i will spoil him silly and draw and paint with him all day long :D

what's your cause?

Freedigitalphotos.net

Judgments....I would be a liar if I said I didn't judge people or create assumptions about them. As human beings it is easier to categorize things / people / feelings / individuals.

I always thought that the judgments i made was a conscious one....it was quite obvious how my judgments were quite automatic.

The other day i was chatting with an acquaintance I had just met. The only thing i know about 'who' he is...is that he's a friend of a friend, the most important part of a person 'what' he is.....i'm just begining to find out......I thought i knew what he was all about - my judgments of him....

My self-righteous self thought she knew what there is to know about him...i didn't like him to begin with in all honesty...i've seen him around numerous times before he actually approached me and said hello....i did my hi's and bye's with him, had an insignificant conversation as to not appear rude. I thought he was self absorbed, thinking he thought he was the 'sizznit', and all about looking good and didn't bother to go to university cause he was just lazy.

This was a long time ago..then only recently I started chatting with him..with all my judgements about him i thought okay...maybe this guy isn't what i think he is...he may be 'nice'....so one day we were chatting about work and he said how work is really consuming and how he works his ass off. He was thinking about doing something else....so i asked him a simple yet deep question.....'what are you passionate about'...he replied the environment.

This simple answer, in a second changed my whole perspective on him. The first thought in my mind,

wow
my judgments of him are totally wrong
i initially judged him cause i didn't like him in the beginning
i instantly had this new found respect for him...though i didn't really know him
i honestly didn't see this side of him

This guy had a cause which he was passionate about. And i felt that defined his integrity / his purpose as a human being.

*Thinking*

Some people that I meet have a cause, have a passion. Some people its the love of having a business that they love, some love people....people are their cause so they have a passion for trainings...some mothers i know....they are just simply passionate about raising their families.

*thinking*

in a way it does reflect a side of me which really isn't all that pretty. How i only respect people only if they're hard working and have a cause...have a definite bigger picture...purpose in life. And if my initial judgments of people are negative......it is up to the OTHER PERSON to prove to me otherwise.

I'm happy i have gotten to know this 'acquaintance'...oddly enough after many chatting sessions with him......little did i realize he's one of the few that truly understands what i'm going through in life....which is a comforting thought.

Then he told me...."you know there are more of us out there"

:)

cleaning time...

My life now is going thorough a state of calmness and willingness for change. Usually when I go through this phase of my life, internally and externally I go through a spring cleaning session.

I finally faced my fear and cleaned my entire room. In 1999, when the house was ready my stuff from Peru arrived. I was such a rat pack in Peru, kept everything..even sentimental receipts. So I faced it all head on. 

I shredded all the unwanted documents, let go of my old crap and old clothes. That was step one….step two was to attack my cupboards…when clearing my room…I realized that I had so much space…….what’s worse is that for 8 years I’ve been storing unnecessary stuff from my past. Like things that were once sentimental…is no longer…Like what I am going through now. With so much space in my room….and in my life…..I can now make room for new things…and for a minute enjoy the space and the emptiness…

My spring cleaning process is still in the ‘process’….I rediscovered old report cards and awards…I never saw writing as something I love doing…till I started blogging……I found a award from the 5^th grade for story writing…and my my kindergarten report card my teacher said that I very much loved to tell stories. I find writing therapeutic….almost like an automatic. I have stacks of notebooks and sketch books which I used as what everyone else would call them ‘diaries’..I found love letters and entries which were 5 pages long. I have definitely evolved through the years…..one thing remains constant….I found myself authentic and very expressive of my emotions when I write…and when I wrote…..most of my entries were never about what I did…it was always what I felt.

So amidst all the clutter……I just had to stop…..and sit down and read my old high school notes…my entries….and just reminisce on my past. I had totally forgot about my notebooks….and was appreciative that I rediscovered them. I allowed myself to ‘experience my past’…..but not for long….I put all of it in a box and tucked it away.

Makes me question..why was I so afraid of cleaning my room? Was it cause I was afraid to go through the hassle and face the fear of letting go? Was I living in the past? Was I holding on to uneccesary things that is holding me back now? This physical act of cleaning is very much replective of what my sould is going through. Yeah Its always easy to avoid…but avoiding to me was if not more stressful and painful and tiring than just facing it. Cleaning parts of my room which was untouched for so many years wasn’t that bad, it was therapeutic and I’m damn proud of myself (cause I’m such a rat pack)….

Its like the band aid theory….just rip it off…..it wont hurt as bad as I thought…and after the intil pain and shock…I’m over it……I’m happy I cleaned my room…..cause I found old notes from my best friend….made me wonder what is going on with her..made me appreciate her sincerely again..and how our friendship has evolved from adolescence to adulthood.

I guess for anyone to move on in their lives, they must first let go of the past (even if its positive or negative ) so that new and better things can enter their lives. Be it new relationships…with God, friends, family and the universe….or a new job,..or a new phase in their lives like taking responsibility and ownership of their lives, or starting a family.

I packed all my diaries and stored it away….got rid of ½ of my documents….and began a new phase of my life called….”living in the now and accepting come-what-may”…

picture from freedigitalphotos.net

clothes vs nudity

And the weaver said, speak to us of Clothes.
And he answered?:

Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful. And though you seen in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain.
And forget not that the earth delights to feel your fare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet' - On Clothes

So I can wear all the 'fabucci' (fabulous Gucci) in the world to mask my insecurities and to brain wash my mind thinking the more money I spend on clothes to make my 'image' appealing......they do not hide the unbeautiful side of me, my mind and my soul.

I think that a person is the most beautiful nude. This concept can either be the most liberating or the most vulnerable for a person. The beauty of a human figure - is what I appreciate cause i believe it it the true essence of the person....nothing to hide behind....just that person and the world. After all we are all born butt naked and when we pass on to 'a different world'....it is our flesh that will become one with the earth. Our naked body is the containter of our souls not our clothes.

I don't think that the world should be a massive nudist colony..I think that nudity and a persons comfort with their own flesh (regardless of its God given imperfections)....is really important.

Since I started creating art I thought the human figure and portraying it in its truest forms fascinating. From drawing anorexic, skinney figures (during my rebellious depressive state of mind) to drawing fat healthy pregnant women (during my sane and happy mental state) I have loved the human figure.

I love the fact that my body does have its imperfections. That I have a pear shaped body and at times I wished my chest size was bigger. And I do have a birthmark of all places...God decided to put it on the tip of my nose. Thank God its not really dark and ugly. Being naked is vulnerable at first....and it gets liberating......its like I'm telling the world..this is me and there is no way I can hide....so just 'take it or leave it' mentality.

Back in my uni days we had a photography project and part of the assignment was to take a portrait picture in black and white. I clearly remember it like yesterday. We made our own make shit studio where it was in the hallway of my house...we wanted a certain look and I knew what concept we should do..so I became the 'subject' matter. We wanted something different....so i remember i wore a sheer cloth tied it around my chest to make it look i was nude. To add to the effect I put baby oil all over my arms so that when we misted water it wasn't absorbed into my skin. The lighting was great and the pictures turned out great.....while we were shooting my brother walks out of his room...looks at me posing and the rest of the team taking pictures and holding lighting...and me appreaing to be 1/2 naked...he just closed the door in disbelief....he called it my porn photo session. I thought it was art.

I grew up as a child surrounded by beatiful art works......1 in particular...a woman wearing a sarong with a see through top...and I still think that its the most beautiful piece of art work my parents owned. Cause with her being somewhat nude....I could see past that and see the true essence of the painting.

There is smut porno art....and there's art...nudity with taste. I love Gustav Klimt's work..thought his sketches of women is provocative....it capures the essence of a womans figure and captures her sexuality of being comfortable in her own skin.

Nudity...is such a taboo. Why I wonder...cause a naked figure somehoe leads to sex and all the things related to sex. For me..nudity..and the thought of it...leads to looking beyond that...and looking into the soul.

Like the birthmark on my nose.....I can tell so many stories about it.

Some poeple meet me and directly ask whats that on my nose...then after a while.....they don't look on the borwn spot......the look at me...they see inside me...(what they think of me that's a whole different issue). Somepeople don't notice it either they're really not looking at me...or they just see past it and see the essence of me.

And then there are those that are around me for the longest times.....and out of the blue they ask..what's that on your nose? I can't help but laugh...

I believe....that you can put a barbie doll looking naked chick....and a big size round chick in front of me...which is most beautiful.I wouldn't base it on the one that fits 'society's isdea of what is a beautiful figure'...oon on the fact that the naked woman knows she looks good.......I would base it on the one that is proud of being in her own skin and exudes a proud sensuality of her feminin side. Like Khalil Gibran poetically wrote....it hides so much beauty....yet it doesn't hide the not so beautiful...

Art works by Gustav Klimt

when you just know and don't know how to explain knowing......

Have you ever had that feeling where you just know....call it whatever it is you call it....its really unexplainable...

The best way I can describe it is like a gut feeling, an intuition, sort of a comforting feeling at the same time exciting......like when you feel something is right and your friends ask you - "How do you know?" you reply..."Cause I just know..." and you tell yourself....I can't define what it is...but the feeling is good and I just know.

Now this may apply to finding your significant other and you "just know that its the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with".....or even someone you met for a just 10 minutes and you "just know" you're going to be best friend with that person.....or you apply for a job and "you just know" that its the perfect job for you...

The other day my best friend in Canada messaged me and she said she thought of me the other day, she was having a conversation with a friend. She talked about how, I "get her" and she doesn't have to explain. Dre....is my soulmate. My belief is that anyone can be my soulmate....I don't have he belief that the soul mate is a term exclusively for my other half.

I believe that I have 3 soulmates. Why are they my soulmate......this may sound so mumbo jumbo....they are my soulmates because when I met them, and experienced them "BEING THEM", i "just knew" that somehow in this universe our souls are intertwined and our auras just complimented each other.

Dre...she's my soulmate...like me, she too is a Pisces which makes our connection stronger. I can't really describe the friendship we have....I just feel it and know we're connected...even though I've known her since 96 and have not seen her in about 8 years....we're still connected somehow. Someone asked me how do you know she's your soulmate....and i replied with the unexplainable "i just know"

Its a comforting feeling especially when shit hits the fan in life...i can always connect somehow with my soulmates....Dre, Blur and my mother. All 3 relationships very different and dynamic in its own way.But when I'm with them and in their space....I can feel them and if I'm feeling a certain way...I don't have to say much....they "just get it"..

This connection which can't be described or defined in words, I have had a few times. One was knowing my soulmates which happened in an instant. Another time when I realized what to do with my life.

After 4 years of an advertising degree...never once used once I graduated....1/2 way through my degree...I just knew I didn't want to do advertising...I knew that wasn't my purpose...what was my purpose at that time I would always come to a blank...but this gut feeling told me..."Don't waste your time convincing people to buy shit".....After job hopping....never has a job lasted a year....switching industries...(all this in a span of 2 1/2 years)...i realized what I wanted to do with my life....I discovered my purpose. My wise 'guru' which I rarely turn to...he shared with me his opinions and views of where he sees me work wise.....It was painful to hear. Cause it meant I had to let go of the security of a mundane job with money coming in and venture in a totally different field. It was scary, nerve wrecking at the same time I realized that I had to let go of all that....and follow that "indescribable feeling" of where to go next in my life work wise.

Or when I know something bad is going to happen. My grandmother (God Bless her Soul)...was critically ill for about a week before she passed on at the ripe old age of 92. She fell sick a week before Hari Raya (Eid).....I was worried cause after raya i was to be away for about 4 weeks freelancing . And I knew if I went for my job it would be difficult for me to 'balik kampong (my grandmas village) for her funeral. My mother told me that her condition was getting worse and that its critical. As much as it saddens me to loose my grandmother, I accept that its all a part of life.....I'd rather her be at peace than suffering not being able to get up and eat. Deep down, I knew that she was to pass on before I left for my freelance work. She passed away 2 days she of Hari Raya.

Some people are more intuned with "just know" undefined feeling. To the point where they can predict things...not like a psychic.....My mother has a gift of "just knowing". She knows when something bad is going to happen of when 'something significant' will happen. When living in Peru, my parents came back to KL...so like any teenager with the freedom of a humongous house would do...I threw a party....where everything that isn;t good for me to consume was abundant....and word spread so I can even remember who showed up to the house. I stayed up till the next day...picking up trash and any traces 'of evidence' that there was a party....maybe i shouldn't have had the party the day before they were to come back home. My mother came home....took one step in the compound and 'she knew'...and boy did she let it rip when confronting me. Maybe cause she's a mother and has this extra intuition when they know their kids are up to no good.

I noticed that some people always wants things defined. They can't stand it when they can't be okay with not knowing, like for example...when they meet someone and realize that this person is special to them...and they disastrously want to define the relationship with the "are we just friends or more than that..are we gf & bf?" Now if the other party is not ready....its just a warning sign and could possibly 'ruin things between you two'.

I have come to accept that not everything can be defined. And by me wanting to define things and make it fit into something comprehendable is just wont do 'it' justice. I do have moments where I fight that 'feeling' and want to define it....so that it fits....like that kids toy...where there's all sorts of shapes...like a triangle, square and circle...and the kids have the colorful blocks and they have to match up the shapes. Sometimes I fight that feeling....by taking some odd shape and trying to fit it in to 'society's accepted square". Not everything can be defined....and I'm getting used to being okay with that...and just 'feel it and know that its right for me'.....

Freedigitalphotos.net

Creativity - Should ART be perfect? Is there a right or wrong in art...

Today at work there was a birthday party. Since it was my first arts and craft birthday party for kids my boss let me take charge. So I did an introduction of what we were to do....the kids had to paint on a ceramic cup. So I told them you can draw anything you want, their family, their face their pets anything. And if they had no idea we had stencils that could help them. So after they traced / drew on their mugs it was time to paint.

The ration of maids to kids was like 1 : 2.5 ...which made my job alot easier.

So as they painted I noticed the parents getting excited....their kids had the opportunity to explore their creativity...learn that in art there is no right or wrong...just the desire to be free and be creative and explore on that.

I noticed some parents were so fixed on their kids painting inside the lines.....indirectly i saw it there is a right way to be creative in art......there are guidelines......then one parent asked me can she paint here...pointing to a blank white space on the mug....i replied "of course this is theirs they can paint and do whatever they want"...

I saw that the parents wanted their kids to paint on the mugs perfectly, inside the lines...with pretty colors....to the point of controlling which color to use rather than encouraging to freely 'just paint'...

This isn't a bitching session of controlling parents...but the question I wanted to explore was....is there a right or wrong to art.

Having a fine arts background....my answer is a firm NO. My belief (you may agree or disagree the point here it so see it from my perspective)....my belief is that it is when the children are young that creativity should be encouraged...i feel that if kids are encouraged to be creative it will make problem solving when they are adults alot easier.

I felt this sad feeling in my heart when i saw parents telling kids what to do...to the point of taking the brush out of their hands and them end up painting the mug. One parent would stand right by her daughter and tell her no you should paint it like this......

In art I hate that word SHOULD......with children i prefer the words such as TRY THIS...or WHAT IF YOU DID THIS...

Out of the bunch of 20....3 showed talent. What do I base this on....nothing about if the mug they painted was 'beautiful in my eyes'....but its based on their patience, their attention to detail and their enthusiasm to carefully think of what to paint what to draw.....the beginnings of taking ownership of their creative art works....

One girl in particular....her mother confessed to me that I have no patience for detail.....these little little things i just can't do them....unlike her daughter that took the longest to paint her mug while others went of playing and eating. She wasn't phased by the fact she and I were alone in the play area.....she took such great pride in her mug..which she was so focused on painting.....getting the dots right, getting the color right, the look that SHE WANTED. To her what she wanted was right in her eyes.

What better than a momento....totally created by your child...which you can appreciate 10 years later...no matter how 'horrid it look to the adults eyes'.....a creative creation of your child and how they were at that particular age.

I don't really blame or bitch at the parents. After all I know where they are coming from. They want their kids to get things 'right', to do the best and be the best....at what expense? Telling the kids of how art should look like...was like imposing creativity has a right or wrong...so before you attempt to do anything make sure its right and looks good......to the parents eyes. After all I've been in the kids shoes....I clearly remember my mother doing some of my projects, and it was always the best (my mother herself is a self fought artist).....my mother had such an attention to detail..even I was surprised...So when it was time to do these projects...I told her my idea..she would come up with a plan and we would work on it together. Yes my mother is a controlling woman....its not perfect unless its done by her extremely high standards. Sometimes I would cry cause she pressured me to get it perfect.


I remember living overseas, the mothers got together and thought it would be fun if the kids did a talent show. I obviously would take part , since mother dearest was the VP of the womens society. So i said to my mother I want to be like a genie and hareem girl....So off my mother went sewing (yeah she sews too).....an outfit which in my eyes was gorgeous. The outfit was just the tip of the ice berg. Now came to the practicing my dance....she had the music ready and the choreography. I remember she would make me wear the beautiful yet very itchy hareen /belly dancing costume...and made me practice and practice over and over and over and over...till it felt like torture.....I tried to hide my tears and frustration after an hour...and with her you just don't cry......and she creamed at me and threatened me if my tears still did flow out of my eyes....

Me and my mom can laugh about it now.....cause she did realize she did take it to the point of Nazi - ish.....but regardless....she always encourage my artistic side....since small i can remember being in her art room while she did what ever fine art or crafts...and she always encourage me....after a while...she did give me the freedom I wanted in art....and she encouraged me to be free......it wsa then my natural passion of the arts grew. Theatre and fine arts was always my strongest skills...

I grew up with the mentality there was no right or wrong with art. And we had so many paintings at home that since I could remember art was 2nd nature at home. There were naif paintings, landscapes of all mediums....Every country that we moved to we hae a huge collections of art works from that region. My favorite is this beautiful painting of a woman with a sheer top can see her plump bosoms to die for......

In high school I ended up doing IB art....and the freedom to created pieces that I wanted.....about 90% had to do with the human figure....so there I was in peru.....drawing nudes of women, when i was depressed and going through alot of emotional 'crap' my paintings were of skinny naked women....can see their rib bones and all...and i got through that and my life was better....i started painting fat naked pregnant women.....So during the school art exhibition......i remember my moms friends being all shocked at the amount of in your face raw paintings of the naked human figure.....my parents just supported me...they were not at all shocked when my sketch book was filled with naked figures, private parts in no way censored.

All this flashback.....now to the point....yeah i must tell a huge log story before I get to the point....from my experience....art at a young age should be freely encouraged if that's what the child is interested in....if they show potential....encourage it...let the child expereince the passion gorwing within them....let them freely explore that creativity.....its only 10 to 15 years later the parents will see the results....

this is the frustration I experience....parents pay a money for their kids to go to some art place...and they expect results...they want to see that pretty painting on the canvas 3 sessions later...when really the real results will be produced much much later in life....cause it is at this stage (early childhood) that the desire the freedom to creativly explore is instilled and in due time the passion within will just exude out of them.

I salute all parents regardless if they are the ones standing next to their child telling them what to do....or the ones that allows their child to just express themselves....cause now at the age of 26 and many conversations with my mother...i realize...being a parent...is just not easy...

I was telling my mother...if my children (yeah i want more than 1...so its not child)....want to color outside of the box..the only things i will question is ' with what color?'

Next to the first painting I clearly remember creating - 5 years old, Canberra, Australia
My love for theatre started quite young. It was the birth of 'loving the attention being extroverted' 5 Years old, Canberra Australia.
Me and mother dearest (the very loving / controllng one as previously mentioned..God Bless Her). In her art room me being a busy body. 8 years old Kuwait City, Kuwait.

'The Rules of Life' - Rule 85

Rule 85

'The Rules of Life' - Richard Templar, isn't a book which i read front to back. Its one of those that I keep on my bedside table (the floor) and read before I go to sleep or take a nap. He has a few other books Rules of Management & Rules of Work . 

For the longest time was eyeing this book...would go to borders and read a few rules. SOMETIMES I would practice multiple rules from the book.....there are days when I don't practice it at all....

Why do I love his writing? Its simple....nothing complex in alien language. His rules aren't pure genius....that's cause the 100 rules in his book are not original....in one form or another I have heard them from someone or some other books. 

His simple language and a collection of 100 rules and how he elaborates on them...that's what I like. Reading his 'stuff' I don't feel like throwing myself off of a bridge or sitting at home analyzing and dissecting his mind f*%king work (like A road less travelled).....how can I put this.....reading his 'stuff' leaves me content...motivated in some way....

Rule 85 - Hang out with positive people

Got me thinking....everyone that I hang with are they positive....or maybe they were 'ok' and I didn't like myself around them. In my life I go through these phases.....where I take out the trash. Few years ago, with my unpredictable temperament, my loud mouth ways and in 'yo face' bluntness, my life o' meter...was very up down extreme...i was the minority of such an extreme way to communicate while my friends were on the 'safe mode of communication'....me and my friends were talking in different languages each so rightious and stubborn...meeting in the middle was rare...

so this brought up alot of frustration, angst, anger and unresolved issues.....so i did some 'spring cleaning' and hung out with other people.

Got me wondering.....these people that I disconnected myself with 'spring cleaning' - were they not positive? Or was I just such a controlling, demanding, self rightious bitch that was just never satisfied with anything? Both are true...

They were great people....and I made that conscious choice to part ways....It wasn't about positivity - it was about the bubble they lived in...their controlled life living the fake image...the lack of authenticity....all these characteristics which i didn't see a positive influence in my life. Though I was such a preacher of being real and supported "individual-ism"...i realized being with these people was going against what I believed in. I was becomming one of them...where we were viewed as a whole rather than groups of individuals. With a big slap on my face I then realized...shit...i'm morphing into a person which i dispised being.....thinking I was being real...i was being real fake in the end....


So hence the spring cleaning......which was so liberating. I was more than happy to relinquish the title I was holding to finally had space to breathe. In my heart I wished them the best and said you leave me alone I leave you alone.

*The following is all purely based on my experiences and myfirst hand JUDGEMENTS of what I see, hear, do, feel and experience*

How many people that I encounter living in KL really do surround themselves with positive people. Constantly I see the 'fabucci' (fabulous gucci) girls (i only use the label ladies and women for dignified females with brains)....with their little possee.....these chicks cant survive alone.....God Forbid they go shopping or to any social event alone! These chicks are always in flocks....with their click clack heels and all accesorized......at one point in my life I wanted to be one of them....then I faced reality....I can't walk in heels. Now...what positivity do these not-authentic-image-driven-chickies give each other.....

a safe zone, where they will be accepted as the queen bees of the 'social society' (each other) - a safe zone where they will be accepted amongst their 'peers ......so there is positivity...she gets what she wants obviously to be part of a group where she is accepted...they feel safe in their little bubble world with the safe friends....it brings her comfort.

..at a very huge price of course....we all know the prices..the usual must keep up with the latest trends, constantly seeking approval and always caring about what is preceived of them....etc etc etc......This breed of fabucci...is quite abundant in kl....can always be seen in the VIP line or as an accesory to some blue blood aristobrats' kid...now this is another judgement that I am going to share....8 out of 10 times in my encounters..these chicks are the most promiscuous and the most messed up in the head suffering from some kind of self worth issues hence the promiscuity....easy / free sex does not get you that man who will guide and protect and love you!

*judgements / venting / bitching session over*

In the book Emotional Intelligence - I recently read that emotions are contagious (like yawning) and that subconsciously we will absorb 'whatever' energy that is around us...

Quite true.....back when 'before' (there are 2 phases in my life, before 'the bitchy side controlled me'...and after 'i control the bitchy side')...if i was in a real pissy mood at someone or something.....i made sure the whole world was in a pissy mood too...and alot of people did absorb my neagitivity...It didn't help the fact that I had such a domneering personality. And if I was in love or happy or intoxicated....people liked to be around me cause i was chirpy and I saw the world like a bed of roses .........and people liked me alot more then cause they didn't have to be overly cautious around me

So really....these people I mentioned earlier, the ones I got rid of during my 'spring cleaning' session. Was it I breaking away from them to seek positive people to surround myself with or was it me the negative one that saw how i brought these people and myself down being with them so i just walked away?

I think it was both. I didn't like them or / and how i was negative around them and i didn't like myself around them....so I cleaned them out. They are not bad / shallow peolpe.....they are just simply put...people....
'these particualar people' + me = not a good combination
so maybe it wasn't that they were negative......maybe it was the fact i had negative judgements so my views about them was always filtered through that...so everything from that relationship was always shit.

I was (WAS being a very important key word right now) one of the bad apples that small little cancerous negativity....not being happy with the situation 'i did what i had to do'...and found me a few random positive authentic people to all alot of sugar, spice, simplicity and excitement' into my life. After so many 'trials and errors'....personally when they're not authentic.....they're not positive.